Cinderella

Once upon a time, many a moon ago, I was reading my friend Jenn-Lee's blog. She had a playlist on it at that point and the song that came on was Steven Curtis Chapman's song called Cinderella. (In order to get the video to embed in a post, I had to create a separate post for it - it will be the post directly under this one.) I know you'd probably like to jump right to the video and watch it, but just hang tight for a minute.

Tonight was the night the kids went back to their dad's. The past couple weeks have been especially frustrating for me. There are so many things that weigh heavily on me, and one big one is the struggle with my kids. And this time it's not because I'm a single mom. Ever since my kids were toddlers, I knew there was something they struggled with. Jonah was so young at the time, I wasn't really aware of much with him, but even for Natalie, by the age of 3, I knew something was going on. And I went to her pediatricians and I asked about it. They told me she'd grow out of it. I persisted after seeing that preschool wasn't doing much by way of progress. We were referred to a behavioral pediatrician that wasn't much help either. Fast forward to here and now. Yesterday, Natalie had her speech evaluation. She's nearly 5. I have noticed some improvements, but her fits are becoming more frequent. She's moody. She doesn't listen well (AT ALL). She cries and screams hysterically, sometimes over nothing at all. She'll be adding speech therapy to the array of appointments every week, and by next month, both kids will also be in occupational therapy. They both have sensory issues in addition to their speech delays - and Jonah is actually the more severe case. The events of the last few weeks have played over and over in my mind. What else could I be doing? How long will we go through this?

I like to plug my iphone into a transmitting thingy so that my music will play on the speakers of my car. Tonight after I was alone and driving back home, I had it on shuffle like I normally do, and the Cinderella song came on. I know I typically blame my emotional outbursts on stress and lack of sleep, but I'm gonna mix it up a little bit and throw hormones in there too this time. Anyways... the song came on and by the second line I was crying. My whole face was wet, and I'm saying the words out loud and I'm a hysterical mess. I'll post the lyrics in a minute, but the first verse says 'she spins and she sways, to whatever song plays, without a care in the world. And I'm sitting here wearing the weight of the world on my shoulders. It's been a long day and there's still work to do, she's pulling on me saying "dad I need you"...' THAT my friends, is when I lost it.

Natalie's new favorite thing to do is dance for her daddy. She loves to pretend like she's a ballerina and when she does the video call with her dad, all she wants is for him to watch her dance. As I was listening to the words and barely saying them out loud, 2 things became clear to me. 1st - I have a daughter who worships the ground her dad walks on. Regardless of what he's done to me. She doesn't know what happened, all she knows is that her daddy is the most important person in the world to her. 2nd - how easily I could replace the word "daddy/dad" in the song with "mommy/mom" and it still have the same impact. The message is the same, regardless of which parent it is directed at. How many times has my sweet baby wanted me to dance with her (in a metaphorical sense), and I was too busy being upset or stressed or frustrated. I can't imagine how difficult life is for her little mind to wrap itself around. I've lived it, in a slightly different way, but I was so young when it happened to me, all I've ever known is the dad that raised me and my sister. (and siblings. lol) But I don't think I had the same set backs as Natalie does. Her speech, her sensory disorder, her daddy not being with her every day. She's endured so much at such a young age and I need to stop and take time to dance with my baby girl. She won't be little for long, and eventually she'll come to the years where she probably will hate me. I need her to feel like my Cinderella, long after this part of my life has passed.

Steven Curtis Chapman - Cinderella

She spins and she sways
To whatever song plays
Without a care in the world
And I'm sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders

It's been a long day
And there's still work to do
She's pulling at me
Saying "dad I need you

There's a ball at the castle
And I've been invited
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh please, daddy please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of her dress
She says "dad the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh please, daddy please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

She came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowing and telling us all they had planned
She says "dad the wedding's still 6 months away
But I need to practice my dancing
Oh please, daddy please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

I can't even type the words without sobbing like a baby. To my dancing Cinderella, Natalie.... I love you.

The single mom

(PS... go watch the video so you can hear the song if you've never heard it before. But maybe grab some kleenex... if you don't need them, I do. lol)