It's about time ...

It's about time to add some fellow bloggers to this place, huh? I'll be honest in saying that I haven't really been able to blog-stalk as much as I used to, but I've been meaning to add my friends on here anyway.

So first up - the blog from the missionaries in Santa Rosa California! :) Well, not really the actual missionaries ... the mission president's wife keeps up with it so all the families and friends can see pictures of thier missionaries and read updates on the work they're doing there. She posted not long ago with pictures of my brother and the 13 other missionaries that arrived together. That's pretty dang cool if you ask me. :)

SO .... with that said, what's your blog? What blogs do you like to read? Send them my way and I'll add them to my blog list right over there. Peace!

The single mom.

This, that, and the other thing.

More than a month has gone by since my last plea I posted. lol What the heck, man? Let's see if I can recall anything of importance that happened over the last couple months.

Did I mention that in October I thought the kids needed some extra time with their dad? They now go see him every other week (that part's the same) Wednesday night thru Sunday night. (That part changed.) I can tell they love to see him and it makes picking them up a WHOLE lot easier ... they had more time, so there's not as much crying about wanting to stay with daddy, etc. The hard part is the first 2 or 3 days once they get back home. I'm not sure what happens there, but I think anyone who has to do a custody schedule/swap will agree that somehow, there's something that throws their whole universe out of sync.

My youngest brother left for his mission on November 29th... enough time has already passed that he's passed through the MTC and whisked away to California! You never realize what a well oiled machine the church is when it comes to sending missionaries away until you've got a missionary in your family serving one. Daggum. We've been able to talk to him a couple times (pretty cool that he went to California and was able to call then and just 4 days later call for Christmas... lol) - he's in a very small town in Northern California, near the coast... My guess is that it must be something similar to a retirement community. He said the members there feed them almost every day - and for Christmas Eve and Christmas day, he had PRIME RIB AND FRESH CRAB LEGS! LOL What the fetch!? He sounds so grown up ... I wonder how long it took him to kick the sarcasm out of his tone? hahaha  .... I miss him, but I'm so happy he's on a mission. I really think he needed that. Quite honestly, I'm looking forward to using his time away as a sort of ground zero for my own life. HA!

Speaking of my life ... No, I'm not going to delve into details of October and November. Most of y'all know enough about that without me even having to say about that. But I will say this .... I'm still tossing a few coins in the air about what I want to go to school for... but considering pretty much EVERY degree requires math and english and some other crap as pre-reqs, that's where I'm starting. I finally gain NC residency back in March and I guess I'll get rolling into the summer semester for that. I've narrowed it down to a few options ...

Durham Tech has an Opticianry Program, and they allow students from all over the state to do Distance Learning. You do everything online and go to Durham once a month for a couple labs. Once you submit that you're either enrolled in a math and english course or have already taken and passed an english and math course, you're accepted. They start their programs in January and August. It takes 2 years,  you get an associates degree and then you take State Boards to get your Optician License.

Rad Tech - I've seen at least two programs in Charlotte. The school that my sister went to for nursing has a program for Rad Techs. I haven't done nearly as much research on that one... I know this would take me about 3 years or so to finish.. and I think the reason I didn't do as much checking in to this is because at the time I refused to think about 3 years in school. Now I'm open to it .. don't prefer it, but it's whatever. lol I think the salary would probably be higher for this field.

I also thought about a Paramedic program, but haven't even checked to see if that's a course available anywhere around here. Whatever I end up doing, I know it's going to take some time, I might as well accept it. I want to have something I can later say "I did that! I went to school and I found a way of life for me and my kids. I did that!"

I'm not in any hurry to date or get married again. At this age, there's really not a whole lot available for me. lol They're either too young or older... and ... just no. I have a lot of hesitations and quirks and I just want to deal with what I have right now.

Coming soon ... Christmas pictures, details and a year in review... lol Can you handle it!? haha... >:-)

The single mom.

Help me decide my future...

Yeah. I'm totally serious.

See, it goes a little something like this ....

I need to get a degree in something. A 4 year degree. I hate the idea of going to school. Loathe it. But that's only because I can't really decide on something I want to do. BUT, it's starting to beat me over the head that the kind of lifestyle I want for me and my kids isn't going to happen without that piece of paper that says I spent massive amounts of money to work in a field just to prove to a future employer that I'm capable of learning.

I like being a mom. I don't think my family is complete... but I also don't think that the time for me to expand it is right now. Which means I've got to do something more than sit around on my butt waiting for something, ANYTHING, to fall in my lap. (I hate saying those words out loud... )

So here's my requirements...... It has to be something I can do from here... nothing online (unless it just happens to be an online course for the school here in the QC).... It has to be done in 4 years - no specialty schools in different parts of the state, no graduate and then 2-4 (or more!) years of a specific program. The type of work I want to do doesn't necessarily contain to one field, but I like being a boss. I like working with small groups of people. I like people oriented work. Even if the work is the same thing every day, I like for it to be different somehow ... different people, different something, I don't know how to explain that better. I want to go into a field that pays well. (Who doesn't?) That being said, teacher is off my list. With the cuts being made in the school systems here and the already low pay, I don't want to add extra stress. (not to mention how hard it is to get a job as a teacher in the first dang place.. imagine that.) I'd prefer not to be a nurse - cause even though that's a job that will always be in high demand, the amount of biology and math and crap you have to put up with is not something I'd enjoy. (Although I'm open to other jobs in the medical field) ........

Got all that? I'm just not all that up to speed with what types of programs there are, what degrees are offered and what you can DO with those degrees. There's a reason I never went to college before now... Because I couldn't make up my dang mind! I change my mind about careers like I change purses. And for those of you who know me, you know that's not an understatement.

So forward this post to your friends... their friends... your family. I don't care. I want as many people to weigh in here as possible. This is my future, people! Make it happen! lol Be convincing! Give me as MUCH information as you possibly can. OH. And I hate accounting. As little math as possible, and I'm good. That's all. I think........... Ready? GO!

The single mom.

Cinderella

Once upon a time, many a moon ago, I was reading my friend Jenn-Lee's blog. She had a playlist on it at that point and the song that came on was Steven Curtis Chapman's song called Cinderella. (In order to get the video to embed in a post, I had to create a separate post for it - it will be the post directly under this one.) I know you'd probably like to jump right to the video and watch it, but just hang tight for a minute.

Tonight was the night the kids went back to their dad's. The past couple weeks have been especially frustrating for me. There are so many things that weigh heavily on me, and one big one is the struggle with my kids. And this time it's not because I'm a single mom. Ever since my kids were toddlers, I knew there was something they struggled with. Jonah was so young at the time, I wasn't really aware of much with him, but even for Natalie, by the age of 3, I knew something was going on. And I went to her pediatricians and I asked about it. They told me she'd grow out of it. I persisted after seeing that preschool wasn't doing much by way of progress. We were referred to a behavioral pediatrician that wasn't much help either. Fast forward to here and now. Yesterday, Natalie had her speech evaluation. She's nearly 5. I have noticed some improvements, but her fits are becoming more frequent. She's moody. She doesn't listen well (AT ALL). She cries and screams hysterically, sometimes over nothing at all. She'll be adding speech therapy to the array of appointments every week, and by next month, both kids will also be in occupational therapy. They both have sensory issues in addition to their speech delays - and Jonah is actually the more severe case. The events of the last few weeks have played over and over in my mind. What else could I be doing? How long will we go through this?

I like to plug my iphone into a transmitting thingy so that my music will play on the speakers of my car. Tonight after I was alone and driving back home, I had it on shuffle like I normally do, and the Cinderella song came on. I know I typically blame my emotional outbursts on stress and lack of sleep, but I'm gonna mix it up a little bit and throw hormones in there too this time. Anyways... the song came on and by the second line I was crying. My whole face was wet, and I'm saying the words out loud and I'm a hysterical mess. I'll post the lyrics in a minute, but the first verse says 'she spins and she sways, to whatever song plays, without a care in the world. And I'm sitting here wearing the weight of the world on my shoulders. It's been a long day and there's still work to do, she's pulling on me saying "dad I need you"...' THAT my friends, is when I lost it.

Natalie's new favorite thing to do is dance for her daddy. She loves to pretend like she's a ballerina and when she does the video call with her dad, all she wants is for him to watch her dance. As I was listening to the words and barely saying them out loud, 2 things became clear to me. 1st - I have a daughter who worships the ground her dad walks on. Regardless of what he's done to me. She doesn't know what happened, all she knows is that her daddy is the most important person in the world to her. 2nd - how easily I could replace the word "daddy/dad" in the song with "mommy/mom" and it still have the same impact. The message is the same, regardless of which parent it is directed at. How many times has my sweet baby wanted me to dance with her (in a metaphorical sense), and I was too busy being upset or stressed or frustrated. I can't imagine how difficult life is for her little mind to wrap itself around. I've lived it, in a slightly different way, but I was so young when it happened to me, all I've ever known is the dad that raised me and my sister. (and siblings. lol) But I don't think I had the same set backs as Natalie does. Her speech, her sensory disorder, her daddy not being with her every day. She's endured so much at such a young age and I need to stop and take time to dance with my baby girl. She won't be little for long, and eventually she'll come to the years where she probably will hate me. I need her to feel like my Cinderella, long after this part of my life has passed.

Steven Curtis Chapman - Cinderella

She spins and she sways
To whatever song plays
Without a care in the world
And I'm sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders

It's been a long day
And there's still work to do
She's pulling at me
Saying "dad I need you

There's a ball at the castle
And I've been invited
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh please, daddy please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of her dress
She says "dad the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh please, daddy please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

She came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowing and telling us all they had planned
She says "dad the wedding's still 6 months away
But I need to practice my dancing
Oh please, daddy please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

I can't even type the words without sobbing like a baby. To my dancing Cinderella, Natalie.... I love you.

The single mom

(PS... go watch the video so you can hear the song if you've never heard it before. But maybe grab some kleenex... if you don't need them, I do. lol)

Steven Curtis Chapman - Cinderella (Music Video)

My OTHER blog... lol

Yes I know... I've had probably 8 in the last 5 years, but don't hate! I'm just multi-talented! lol This one and my recipe blog are the only two I keep up with for now. My other blog (that I made private) doesn't get any posts added to it.. it's really there now for archive stuff. Maybe one day I'll have money to print it out and make it book, but at the same time... I'm not so sure I'd want some of THAT stuff published. lol That was a different life... But whatev! Moving on!

My recipe blog The Foods I Love is still up and running and when I can remember to add stuff to it, I do. I'm always up for other people sending their recipes to me, too! I'm about to add a category of recipes that can be made in 30 minutes or less (just call me your own Rachel Ray.. lol), and there's a search bar to find specific recipes without having to go through every post to find it. I need to add a blog roll to this blog... I want my followers back! lol My other blog had close to 40, which now doesn't seem like that many, but I felt popular. lol

Oh... in random bits of information, if I end up dressing up for Halloween (which I probably won't cause I have to pick up the kids from their dad), I'm going to dress up like Paula Deen. hahahahaha.

I have more things to post about, but I'm in the middle of 3 loads of laundry and putting dinner in the oven ... bathrooms need to be cleaned and kids haven't had naps today, so I'm up to my elbows in other stuff!

Song of the day: Kelly Clarkson - Sober



More soon!
The single mom

.....

Has anyone out there seen the show on Disney Channel - Special Agent Oso??

I HATE THIS SHOW. The singing head creeps me out. Her voice is like nails on a chalk board to me. The graphics, although surely cutting edge and attempting 3-D creep me out too. Couldn't they design better looking characters? Or something?

The only thing that I can find humorous or not annoying about this show is when he says "It's all part of the plan... more or less" ..... ha. Amen to that.

15 more minutes til this show is over... I need to find something else to do. lol

Annoyed at Oso...
The single mom. :P

Bothered.

Even in the midst of chaos, sometimes things clear up JUST enough that I get a tiny glimpse of peace. It's in those times of quiet and contentment that I get bothered. I may or may not have a point to all this, just fair warning. lol

**FIRST... I want you to watch this and laugh for a minute, so when I say the word 'bothered' ... the voice of Jimmy Fallon pretending to be Robert Pattinson is stuck in your head. lol** 

***also important to note, the people of England/Britain/United Kingdom/etc use the word 'bothered' in the sense of 'I don't care'...... I learned this. But I'm speaking of the American version of bothered, which means something is upsetting you. lol***

Bothered. 1) insignificant complaining. Yeah, yeah.. I'm guilty of it too. Have you READ my blog? lol But I'm talking about the kind of complaining-can't-see-the-forest-for-the-trees kind of complaining. Probably a big deal to the person complaining at the time, but from an outsider's point of view... it doesn't matter. Get over yourself. Just sayin. (Now, don't get all preachy on me and tell me that we're supposed to have compassion for all, even if they're having a bad day and it may not seem like a big deal to us.. etc, etc... I know. But sometimes... enough is enough. Feel me?) - also in this category ... continuous Debbie Downers/Pessimistic Peters. Yeah ... I heard ya. Your life sucks. Moving on.

Bothered. 2) Judgemental people. Does this one even need explaining? Take for example, ALWAYS on the chopping block of being judged - parenting. One of my favorite blog world celebrities, Dan posted recently about a dad he saw in Costco that he wasn't too thrilled with. He talked about how the dad was gritting his teeth and crushed his son's heart because the little boy asked for ice cream.. and the dad time after time threatened his son, etc. Now that post in particular got THOUSANDS of comments from his fans and followers who automatically assumed abuse and that the cops, DSS, employees, the president, and everyone else in the entire store should have been on edge and ready to attack and report him because this dad is more than likely abusing his kid. I'm going to be the lone voice and say I think not. Maybe it's different when it comes to the dads, because the dads don't necessarily spend as much time with the kids as moms do. But let me tell you right now ....... do you know how many times I've been out in public and I'm sweating like a sinner in church, my kids are running all over the dang store, neither one is listening to me, I'm at my wits end and I have HAD.IT.UP.TO.HERE with them? Do you know how many times in those instances I get the fire in my eyes and grit my teeth and fly off the handle because my kids asked something as seemingly insignificant as what we're having for dinner? Do you know how many times I have told my kids if they move one more step, they're going in time out as soon as we get back home? Can you see where I'm going with this? I love my kids more than life itself. I wouldn't have fought so hard to keep them if I didn't love them. Am I stern? You bet I am. I may not be as much fun as the next mom or dad. I may be stressed a lot. But I assure you, I am not abusive to my kids. Do you see how making assumptions about what kind of parent someone is based on 5 seconds to 5 minutes can be detrimental? There's a very fine line to walk between interferring in people's lifes and possibly saving them. The parents who are TRULY abusive can even be the ones who seem sugary sweet to practically everyone they know, not to mention strangers. I've witnessed it enough before to know that there are times of calm, usually called the calm before the storm. It's rarely (if ever) done in public, always at home. Now, I tell you these things because I've been the parent that people thought they needed to glare at or approach and accuse me of being "too hard" on my kids. Very few people really know what it's like to live my life or go through my days or understand the struggles I have to overcome- yet there are thousands (THOUSANDS!!!) of STRANGERS who deem it their public duty to judge me (consider it a collective 'me') if I'm less than overly patient and sugary sweet to my children in their midst. Really, people? Really?

Bothered. 3) Immature drama/people. I have so many examples of this, it's not even funny. But I don't have time to act like a teenager. I've got macaroni to make, dishes to wash, toys to pick up, and children to put in bed. And that's just before 8:15 pm.

Til next time ...

The single mom.
(Krissy)

Laugh it off

I was on facebook earlier tonight and I watched (and then posted) the video from Jimmy Fallon's show with Justin Timberlake where they did a journey through the years of hip hop/rap. Which seriously.... Good stuff. Loved it.

I love me some Jimmy Fallon. Sometimes I remember to go look at his web page to keep up with all the funny segments he does and tonight I found the best of them all. He did it a year ago, so I was beyond late in discovering it but holy crap. .... The real housewives of late night. I demand you watch it. Now. I laughed so hard I CRIED. (which really isn't that hard to do, but it's the next level up from laugh-snorts)

I love having time to laugh... It seems to make things so much better. I'm posting from my phone... In bed... But one of these days I need to make some video posts.

Got something funny I should see? Send it my way! :) Til next time....
The single mom

What would Dan do?

My posts have been ridiculously depressing lately. Such is my life at the moment... and for that, I apologize.

My recently-somewhat-new-found blog superstar, Dan has lots of funny posts. People like funny. Heck, I'm usually funny.... (right?? ...... ignore the crickets.) and I look for funny. Dan talks about his awesome kid Noah and the fun they have. It got me thinking.... when do I have fun with my kids?  What do they do and say that's hilarious? I'm not spending enough time laughing with them... I'm spending more time giving them the "you-better-stop-hitting-spitting-calling your sister/brother/cousin/ME an idiot-slamming doors-screaming-running-jumping-JUST KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY" look. That's no fun. I used to be fun.

My kids say funny things. They do funny things. But half the time I'm too stressed or upset about something to notice. Allow me a few minutes to tell you about my kids.

Natalie - 4 and 3/4 - lover of all things Tinkerbell. Vivid imagination. Wants to be a ballerina. Loves dressing up. Lover of shoes, jewelry, purses and phones. Helpful when she wants to be, stubborn and flighty more often than not. Keen eye for things that are funny. Seeks approval from those around her. Plays well with others (most of the time). Can remember what we did 2 years ago, but still asks about 8 times a day what we did yesterday or what we're doing tomorrow. (lol) Wants to have a purple car when she grows up. Talks about being married and losing teeth. Can name all of her friends at the drop of a hat. (and there's a lot) Knows her alphabet, can count to 20 (and sometimes higher) and loves to watch tv. She's a good eater and will at least try anything you put on her plate... even if she doesn't finish it. Will snatch a capri sun or juice box if it's within reach, with or without permission. Has a tendency to be bossy. Likes to play the mom of Jonah when they play pretend. Creative and artistic. Looks just like me.

Jonah - 3 - lover of all things Toy Story. Bowling pro. Wants to run/eat/jump/fly/etc SUPER, SUPER, SUPER FAST! Will eat hot dogs 24/7 if I allow him. Lover of all things car or train related. Can hear an airplane or train from miles away. Silly. Loves to be tickled and kissed. Prefers to play alone - and will be sure to chase you away by screaming at you if you attempt to play with whatever he's currently working on. He's a little parrot and will repeat anything someone around him says. Has a beautiful smile and eyelashes so long, it's enough to make anyone stop and stare. Sleeps with a collection of toys and books at his feet. Independent. Loves to snuggle and give hugs and kisses. Shy at first, but opens up as soon as he's comfortable with you. Infectious laugh. Will repeat a task as many times as it takes until he deems it's done right (or he gets to do it without help). Looks a little like me, but mostly like his daddy. But he's a mama's boy. (And I promise never to interfere with his marriage. lol)

A little about me...

Krissy - 28 1/2- lover of food, sewing, nail polish and reading. Sells Mary Kay. Has a nail tech license. Incredibly disorganized and always runs late. Repeats hilarious quotes whenever she finds them. Loves to play games and laugh. Obsessed with music and loves to sing or play the piano. Prefers to sleep instead of clean. Stays up late, wakes up early.. (not by choice. lol) Has big dreams and awesome hair. Collector of purses, makeup, pens and random bits of various information. Sister to 4, mom to 2. Afraid of the dark. Loves to laugh and seeing her kids smile. Facebook and driving expert. Fan of Phineas and Ferb and Jonas Brothers. Hates shopping. Likes things that smell good. (lol) Texting extraordinare. People watcher. Loyal and creative. Looks like a lot of people, but mostly her mom.

Till next time ...

The single mom
(krissy)

The people on the bus go bump, bump, bump.

I'm talkin about pot holes in the road people. In a metaphorical sense, how about the pot holes of life? The past few weeks have been a road full of them for me.

Leaving money (mostly) aside, the woes of not having any help because I'm a single mom (yada, yada, yada) and all the other crap I complain about on this blog or in daily life... there's one topic I haven't touched yet. Mostly because up until now it hasn't really been an issue, and I've been fortunate. But for the last month or two and especially the last two weeks... it's been an issue. A BIG issue.

Back up for a minute.

Most of you know a lot of my story. You know how I got to where I am and how everything came down. He left (with much encouragement from his family .................................................... ). When it came time to decide on divorce specifiations and the parenting plan, I think I was still kind of out of my head and not thinking clearly. He decided every other weekend would be best for him. That we would each pay for our own gas. He would have certain holidays. I would have certain holidays. It seemed (at the time) to be a good solution. Fast forward to TUH-DAY. A few weeks ago, Natalie started doing this crying fit when it was time for me to pick the kids up from their weekend with their dad. Crying into a nearly screaming, exploding, crazy child - that she didn't want to come home with me, she wanted to live in TN with her daddy. The first time or two I just shrugged it off, she seemed to be over it within 5 minutes of driving. Week by week, day by day, this fit throwing has turned into full on possession. Screaming like I've never heard a child scream. Doors getting slammed. Toys being thrown. Kicking, hitting, crying, gagging. It's not pretty, and honestly, most of the time I have NO idea how to handle it. Sometimes I'm so upset that I can't even comfort her because it's like a slap in the face to me.

So I did what any pissed off mom would do and I confronted her dad. (On instant messaging of course...) I wanted to know what she has said, how often she says it and what THEIR (him and his mom) response is when she does it. (Because I KNOW this happens every time it's time for them to leave to come home.) He claimed that he tells her she has to go home and says he tries to find out why she feels that way. I pretended like that was an acceptable answer (not really believing he tells her she has to go home.. remember, I was married to him. He's 2 sheets to the wind when it comes to being stern with the kids) and tried to make sure he understood that he has NO idea what I deal with on a day to day basis. The stress of not having enough money. The speech therapy, the sensory issues. That's just the beginning of it. He's not here for the behavior issues, the feeding issues, the responsibility of being with them 24/7. He doesn't get it. He hasn't had to do it in almost a YEAR people. (November will make a year) His solution to this is that the kids need to be able to talk to him more often during the week. I agreed, hesitantly, but only because I didn't want him trying to come back later and say that I kept him from being able to talk to his kids. It's an attempt to make things better for them ... I understand that. .. but here's the problem.

Since they've been talking to him more often, the fits and screaming tantrums are increasing. Every DAY. EVERY. DAY., she has an episode. I kid you not. Occasionally, there will be a day when I'm able to distract them the entire day so they aren't thinking about him... but do you know how exhausting it is already for me to keep up with what that requires? I know that sounds like I'm not interested in helping my child feel loved and cared about. I promise that's not it. I'm the child of divorced parents. But I had the fortune of 1) being incredibly young when it happened and 2) not having a biological father that gave a crap about me.. which meant I didn't meet him for the first time until I was an adult and had already given birth to my own child. Which happens to the be one dealing with the separation anxiety from her own dad. So I find myself in a very very tough situation. Part of me wants to do things the way I grew up with them. (No visits, very little communication, etc) ... which would NOT be possible for this situation. It's unrealistic, I know... but I survived with very few traumatic experiences involving my biological father. I wish you could see her face and hear her when she's screaming at me. It feels like even at nearly 5 years old, she blames me for her not being able to live with her daddy and see him all the time.

Moving on to today.... the kids talked to their dad for about an hour. When it came time for the call to end, the screaming started. I checked her temperature, she had a low grade fever. I talked her into changing her jammies into something that wasn't as heavy as what she had on. We got all of her stuff and I let Jonah do his own thing for a while. I held her. I hugged her. I promised that I loved her. The crying didn't stop, but the screaming did. I took her to her room and after she had stopped crying long enough that I could talk to her, I tried explaining to her the situation, as best as I figured a 4 year old could understand it. I told her that mommy and daddy aren't married anymore and that we can't live together now. I told her that there were people that made some rules for us, and that they decided Natalie and Jonah needed to live with mommy and that they would get to see daddy on the weekends and sometimes longer. I told her about how I had a daddy that lived far far away from me, and that I never got to see him or talk to him at all. I told her if she did live with her daddy that I would cry every day for her. Daddy still has to work and she wouldn't be with daddy or meemaw (his mom) and that she wouldn't get to see her friends, cause she'd be with babysitters all the time. I said I know sometimes mommy is mean, but it would make me so sad if you moved away. That seemed to make her feel better, and after assuring her that I know she's hurting and she misses her daddy and that I love her lots and lots, she went back to only sniffling here and there. She's sleeping now, but the damage to my heart carries on. Do I try to work out an arrangement with her dad? There's no WAY I could stand "giving her up", especially running the risk that I may not get her back. Spending more time talking to him isn't working. I know half of you are probably screaming at the computer screen "SPEND MORE TIME WITH HER" ... yeah yeah. I hear you. I wish I was a pro at scheduling my day, but I'm not going to lie. I suck at it. I've tried 800 times to create a schedule for us to stick to and after a day and a half it's out the window. If you're one of those moms who plans out one on one time with your kids and you make cookies and cupcakes and coloring and all these happy things.... you're lucky. Some might say my priorities are out of balance. My response to you all is .... I'm standing in the middle of a room full of chaos and I don't know which one is the ceiling and which one is the floor. I've got my hands over my ears and my eyes are closed and I'm begging for someone to help. Don't judge me. Don't pretend like everyone has a perfect life and the answer is simple and that if I do a,b,c and d then everything will be fine. Cause I've done that before. I'm real. My situation is not uncommon. Majority of moms feel like they are failing in one way or lots of ways... And from my perspective, I fall in the lots of ways camp.

If you made it this far, I applaud your attention span. I don't know what the right answer is, I know there are things I can do to make her feel loved. It's so easy to say "here's your solution", but there are so many complications, if it were a black and white situation, I probably would have it figured out already. But not only do I have the black and white, but I've got some purple and red and blue and green and orange and even some brown thrown in there with it, and nobody left me the guide to color by numbers! I'm terrified if I do go get a job, and it's more time away from my kids, that it will make things even worse. It seems like such a critcal time and I either have to survive on pennies or sacrifice the ability to be with my kids.

**Read that part again.**

I'm terrified if I do go get a job, and it's more time away from my kids, that it will make things even worse. It seems like such a critical time and I either have to survive on pennies or sacrifice the ability to be with my kids.

Who are my other single moms (or dads) out there? Have you dealt with this before? Do you know someone who has?

Looks like I'll be spending some time on my knees... if I don't resurface in a few days, send help. I need help anyway. lol

The single mom.
(krissy)

Why can't I be like Dan?

Anyone else know about this guy? His blog is called Single Dad Laughing... his name is Dan. I was introduced to it by my friend Stephanie. He is awesome. He's hilarious. He's serious. He's deep. He's the male version of ME!

So... how the heck did he get to be so popular? lol I wanna know. Cause I want MY blog to be rocketed into famousness like his was. When I grow up, I wanna have a blog like Dan's. lol

Serious post coming up next.

The single mom.
(krissy)

It's cute, ain't it?

I know. I'm awesome. Yeah, okay whatever... but I like it. (and in the event that you can't figure out what the heck I'm talking about, I'm talking about the new appearance and banner of the blog.)

I have about 4 million things to say and I can't remember a dang thing. First of all ... my kids are driving me nuts. Natalie has been clingy and Jonah has turned into a hitting crazy child. I have no idea where those two people came from, but they're not MY children. Where can I get mine back???

My love comes to see me in about 2 1/2 weeks. It seems like just yesterday it was 6 weeks away and I haven't gotten ANYTHING done that I needed/wanted to do and I'm running out of time. Yeah that's me... wait til the last minute to get anything done. Then I'm stressed and I panic. And when I panic, I'm kinda psychotic. I'm just sayin.... I could use some help. lol

I still haven't taken my van to get that third opinion done. I NEED to get it fixed, but do you know how hard it is to haul 2 (or 4 for that matter) kids to a mechanic and explain why you're there and what you need? Yes, I understand when I go in public I look like a crazy person. When I have my niece and nephew and we go out, I ALWAYS get looks. Fat lady, no ring, 4 kids. What!? That's beside the point... lol I'm just saying.. I think I'm afraid of mechanics. I don't know why, don't ask. I'd much rather prefer a male take it in and explain what's going on - I always feel like they take advantage of women because they don't know any better. I know enough about what they're talking about, but not what should be normal. Case in point, the dealership informed me a few months ago that my motor mounts were looking rough. The last time I took it in for an oil change they came in and told me that TWO of them were gone and it would be almost 700 dollars for it to get fixed. First of all dealerships LOOK for something that needs to be "fixed" .. that's one of the ways they make their money. So I had my dad take it to where he thinks I should get it fixed... but they were closed that day. GO FIGURE. (Which is why I'm too afraid to take it on a Saturday now because I'm afraid every time I go over there they'll be closed on a Saturday. Which means now I have to go on Monday. Which sucks.) So then he took it to a place he used to go to a long time ago... and they said it was only ONE motor mount that needed to be replaced... but I don't know if I trust them entirely because it seems their method of testing it wasn't entirely reliable. BUT, they were only going to charge about 128 dollars. Yeah. Markup much? So I want a THIRD opinion.

I was planning on doing a review of the MK nail polish from their fall line..... yeah. All I have to say is - THIS nail tech DOES NOT recommend it. AT ALL. I love MK products... I do. I love the make up, I love the TimeWise products... but their nail polish is TERRIBLE. The bottle is small, the brush/cap is top heavy and it fell off and ruined a shirt and then some. Within 24 hours it was already peeling off. If you're going to pay 8 dollars for some nail polish, I'll sell you a bottle of OPI and it's 100 times better. That's all I'm gonna say about that. Now I need to figure out what I'm going to do a product replacement for on it. Dang it.

So, there's a post full of nothing for ya. lol I'll have more to say later, but for some reason I thought I needed to have some verbal spewage going on over here. My head is running a million miles a minute and I can't quite complete valid thought processes. lol Is it October 14th yet? :)

Krissy
The Single Mom....

*did anyone notice this is the first time I've actually used our names? Coming out of obscurity... cause I DON'T CARE if his family tries to search out my blog. lol*

Where am I and how the crap did I get here?

It's September... and I see that the last time I posted was in July. Wow. Just... wow. Um, so where have I been, you ask? Trying to survive, I answer.

July and August were a blur. Day in, day out, bills to be paid, appointments to go to, custody switch off days to show up for... you know, same old song and dance. Honestly, aside from a couple things here and there, I can't think of anything that stands out. The ones that do stand out, I don't feel like mentioning. lol So let me just jump ahead to the here and now, hmm?

The euphoria of being free is long gone. I don't think about much of it except when I react a certain way to things and realize it's the result of all those years. I'm trying to make progress and reverse them - and honestly I'd rather not even get into the details of everything cause it's just depressing and frustrating. Some days I feel ok... others.. well. Basically, I'm surviving.

I started babysitting for my sister back in August, I guess it was? That's been a blessing because it helps close the gap in what I need to pay my bills. But even with that, it's still pretty dang hard to have enough to pay them all. When I sit down at night to go over my finances I just want to cry. I think in my mind I've stopped asking "how long am I going to have to go through this?", but on a subconscious level I'm still mumbling something along those same lines. There's only so many months that go by where you see the number of what goes into your account(s) but those numbers aren't there when you need them to go OUT to pay the bills. That's where the cursing of gas costs, unexpected expenses and various other needs come in. Long gone are the days where I can stroll into a Vera Bradley store (or online for that matter) and think "hmm, I have an extra 90 bucks laying around, I think it's time for a new purse!" ... no, now my days are filled with "well, I have about 40 dollars that's not being used right now.. but crap, my nail license expired, that's 75 dollars, I need to put gas in the van and that'll take 40 and we need diapers and paper towels"... stupid crap I never had to think about before ... laundry detergent, dish soap, paper towels, paper plates, shampoo, deodorant, toilet paper - they're all a source of stress for me now. It's such a stark opposite of the life I had. Now, I wouldn't go so far as to say I could have been on the new series Housewives of Johnson City by any means, but it was definitely not this bare bones. I have a hard time seeing the silver lining, the light at the end of the tunnel. I will say that now more than ever I have a testimony of the wisdom behind advising members of the church to have an emergency storage. Do you know how many times I nearly cried tears of happiness to find that extra bottle of saline solution or deodorant or box of qtips? It's a very humbling challenge to experience what it's like from having what you feel like is never enough to REALLY never having enough. And trying to survive while holding on to a good credit rating is an even bigger challenge. (Think I have a future in raising money on a telethon??? LOL) The more time goes by, the more I feel like I have no other option than to try to find an ADDITIONAL job. That would put me up to 3? 4? I lost count. I don't know.

Now, before you ask me if I want some whine with that cheese, or make a nasty assumption that if I find my life so miserable now then why did I even get divorced, let me tell you this; I DON'T TAKE IT BACK. Even with the stress and frustration and uncertainty ... I have survived on my own (and when I say on my own, I mean with assistance from various sources) for 6 months now, and I never thought I'd make it that long. I can keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, but that's the best I can do right now.

In other news - the kids are both in (or starting) speech and occupational therapy for their sensory issues. And I'm sure there are a few (or a lot) of you who are hoping I'll dish on some details of my new significant other... lol but until I have something solid and official to announce, I'm staying relatively mysterious about it. lol I don't like being judged. :p lol

I'm seriously thinking about writing a book. I've looked into publishing information and I'm still trying to decide what market it would be for. I have different topics floating around in my head, but the research and outcome (meaning the general hope of the book) seems daunting to me. I don't know.

Overall I'm happy. I'm better than I've ever been... it's just the stress of this part of my life that gets me down way too often. Eventually I'll pull through it..... so until then I'm just keepin' on, keepin' on.

The single mom.

I'd like change. Please. Well I'd like change too!

Oh my goodness.

I feel like I'm waking up from a very long and VERY bad dream!!! I'm SMILING ... A LOT. I'm singing! I'm laughing! And it's all so overwhelming I feel like I'm going to cry!!! LOL Let me explain, cause I know this seems to be completely out of nowhere.

Last week I finally sat myself down and said "self... you have A LOT of phone calls that need to be made that you haven't made yet. So DO it. NOW." .... so, I did. I sat down at my desk (which I built and set up all by my lonesome, thank-you-very-much)  with my post-it notes and my phone and a pen. And I got to calling. I called to find out what the process was for switching my driver's license and tag. I called to get an insurance application sent to me. I called and set up the appointment for my kids to be seen by their new dr I chose, called their old dr to get their immunization records faxed over to the new place. But most importantly, I called to set up my appointment with the LDS counselor here. So ... the lesser important things first...

I got denied by insurance of every kind because of my weight. Awesome. I guess just being fat makes you a health hazard. (rolling my eyes) .. nevermind the fact that all the BIG health problems that they look for, I don't have... I'm just too fat. lol And for that, the I-hate-medicine-award goes to ........ ZOLOFT!!! Moving right along, I sent in one last application... if this fails, then I guess I'm just going to go without insurance. (biting nails... if someone reads this, could you maybe send up a prayer or two on my behalf? thanks!)

For the kids, I got lots of recommendations for a pediatrician's office that just happens to be less than 3/10's of a mile away frome me. How convenient is THAT!? lol I LOVE this new place. The people at the front desk are nice, the nurses are incredible, the residents take time with you and the dr LISTENS! The kids were checked out from head to toe and everything in between in regards to their development, the way they eat, how well they follow instructions, etc. I couldn't believe it. Never has the pediatricians we used to go to done anything they did at the new place. They listened to my concerns with the kids!!! So, both of my kiddos will be starting speech therapy very soon, and my social butterfly will have an appointment with a neurologist soon as well, just to get her re-evaluated with a second opinion on her issues that I've been concerned with. (Concern seems to be a popular word for me these days, no? lol) Anyways... they were fabulous, and I'm very very very impressed and hopeful for the way things will be with them.

Now... on to me. :) This part may be a little long, cause some of it is pretty deep. Just fair warning. I wasn't sure what to expect, cause the other counselors I've been to, it was hard explaining what I felt and what I think it stemmed from because they didn't understand the teachings of the church. That sounds weird, I'm aware... but there's a reason for it. I gave him my history. About my family, where I grew up, how much education I have, when I got married... a run down of how I got to where I am now. With my other counselors, I had to leave out a lot of details... because since we weren't of the same religion, they couldn't understand why I may have certain feelings about things. I told him about my marriage. About how it ended. The things that were said. He started asking me questions about why I felt the way I did. Why did I feel so guilty? Why did it matter if I had indeed done something "wrong" along the way? If I had have changed this or that, would the end result be the same? The answer I came to find out was this - Somewhere along the way, I have convinced myself that the atonement, love, happiness, anything GOOD - doesn't apply to me, because I'm not good enough. Maybe that has to do with what I was told when I was married by certain individuals... (ahem) ... maybe it has to do with the way I've taken things in... I don't really know. But I have developed this deep-rooted need to be rescued and defended. The way the counselor put it is "you're in this place where you need to surround yourself with people who love you, people who defend you, people who think you're great, you're cute, you're funny, you're all these good things ... because you think if THEY can love you and accept you and defend you, then YOU can love you and accept you and think you're a good person.". Over the course of the last few months, I have felt this horrible shame, guilt, worried that what I did, what I tried to do to save my marriage - wasn't enough. That somehow I would get to judgement day and be told that I didn't try hard enough. And he brought to my attention, why would I think that? That an all-knowing, loving God, would somehow punish me for not doing ENOUGH? That He somehow made ME flawed? No one else... just me. We're taught that our Heavenly Father loves ALL men, regardless of their past, or the things they do... we're all His children, and somehow, I feel like I don't count in that. That was quite a wake up call. It almost made me feel like I can talk the talk, but not walk the walk. He said that I have set this level of perfection for myself that NO ONE can achieve, but I haven't been able to let it go and realize that it's not possible... that all God asks is for me to do what I can. That's it! So I told him, "yeah, but then I get worried because I don't think I AM doing what I can. All that I can.", because that's what I've been told... that I'm not doing enough. That if I would just do this or that, THEN I would be TRYING, but even then it's not enough. My guess is that over the course of seeing this counselor, that he will be working with me to try to erase the notion that I'm not doing enough and I'm not good enough. How awesome that would be, to not have to carry that weight around!!

In addition to that - I told ya it was deep... lol - I have finally come to realize that I AM FREE! I don't have to be attached to him anymore! I don't have to carry around the hurt and the pain of what he and his mother and sister in laws have said to me. Because THEY don't matter!! I don't have to attach myself to them anymore... I can't even begin to tell you how deliriously happy that makes me. lol I can talk to whoever I want, I can feel whatever I want, I can CLEAN whenever I want... lol I can do whatever the crap I want!!! They will both have to deal with their actions and words, because when it comes down to it, they really didn't know me very well, nor did they try to, and they had no right to treat me in that way. Plain and simple. Every once in a while I'll feel a tinge of sadness and pain over what was said, and now it doesn't take as long to remember that I am NOT what they think I am! They didn't live in my house. They didn't live in my head. They didn't know as much as they thought they did... and for that, for their judgement... well, I don't know. But they will, one day. And that's all that matters to me now.

So now ... I can focus on ME. I can focus on doing what makes me happy, I can focus on my work and I can look forward to the day when I get the chance to be happy with another husband, whenever that day may come. And I am completely okay with waiting. Because I'm finally falling in love with myself again. And I can't ask for anything more than that.

The single mom.

Songs randomly bounce around in my head...

Am I the only person that happens to? I can't be. But it's amusing to me that it's coming back ... see, when I was a teenager, my friends used to laugh about how I could be counted on to blurt out a movie monologue or song. When I was married, I didn't notice it that much. But now I do. I'm constantly humming again. I get songs stuck in my head and I sing them over and over and over. I relate to music. I always have. Maybe pieces of me are starting to come back! That could be good! VERY good!

I finally got around to scheduling my first counseling appointment since the fallout. I've heard really good things about the guy I'll be going to - that he's been a big help to other people. I know just like anything that involves change, you get out what you put in.

I've been feeling pretty run down lately. Can't explain why, either. Just not feeling right. I made a bunch of phone calls that have been waiting for weeks to be taken care of. The kids finally have appointments to see their new pediatrician and maybe these doctors will actually pay attention to my concerns and send me to the right places to get my kids diagnosed! It would be so nice to be finally be able to understand what my boy is saying and help my social butterfly correctly pronounce words. It's been too long!

I'm working on getting insurance for myself. I've applied with a few different options.

There was something in the divorce papers that made mention of the higher income parent paying for work related child care for the other parent. I asked the ex to ask his lawyer about it to clarify if that meant there could be additional money sent to me to have my kids taken care of. I doubt he's done it yet... but I'm not in a huge rush right now. I probably should be... but, I still don't feel a pressing sense of what I should do. I love doing Mary Kay. I LOVE the products. I love everything about it. I just need more people. lol I'm sure I'll get them... it's intimidating, but I think once I can heal a little bit more and feel like myself again, I could really light it up!

I sound pretty boring this time. That could be a good thing! No drama to report! HA! Still waiting for my sense of humor to come back.... I'm laughing again. Not quite as often as I used to... but still.... laughing is laughing is laughing. :)

The single mom.

T.O.D. 0900 6/21/10

Will I remember that date on my calendar when I'm 80 years old? I don't know. I hope not.

My divorce was finalized Monday morning. I wasn't required to be there, but I got a phone call from him at 9:45 telling me "it's all done" ... his voice was too calm. Almost like a spring was put in his step. I want to scream at him for that. I froze. I couldn't speak. What could I say? "Oh good! I forgot all about that!" .... not hardly. He seemed to boast the words "it was really quick. Everything was really straight forward and about as clean cut as you can get. Everything is really fair and equal and well planned out.", as if somehow that would make me feel better. It seems like just yesterday I was at my old house... walking down the hallway, thinking about how 3 weeks was going to crawl by. Maybe I should back up a little.

I had to go back to my old life for a class that was required for the divorce. That was June 5th. We decided mutually that we would use the next week as one of his two weeks during the summer in the parenting plan. Because he didn't/("couldn't") take off any time from work and neither would his mother, I stayed in town for that week in order to make sure my kids were still taken care of. He pushed for over a week to convince me to stay at his house where he lives with his mom. I didn't think it was appropriate. I felt uncomfortable with it, given the history, the way his mother feels about me, all of it. My own mother even told me there was nothing wrong with staying there and that I should. I couldn't swallow that.

The day came for me and the kids to go. I dropped them off at their dad's house and changed clothes to go out with a friend. The plan was that I would stay at my old house for the weekend, and once the usual weekend was over, I would come back to his house and stay there for the week until it was time for me to go home. So, I got myself ready, and as I was leaving, I said to his mother (he was upstairs with my kids getting them ready for bed. It was almost 8:30) "okay, I'll see you guys later!" .... without even looking up, she (not even really) said "mmhmm. okay." ... I wish I could give you a sound byte of how she said it. She pretended to make herself busy. She gave off this tone like she was annoyed that I was even there in her house.

That night on my way back to my old house, driving those same roads, feeling like no time had passed since I was there - I had a panic attack. I thought I was going to have to pull over and vomit. I took a journal with me and wrote in it as much as I could bring myself to do it.

---

Driving down these streets again felt like coming home in a sense, but I
felt sick to my stomach at the same time. His mother was cold to me. It's
always awkward seeing him in person, and this time was no different. There's
no way I can stay at their house for a whole week. I will end up in a crazy
house if I do.

My house is beautiful. As much as I hate to admit it, it
looks gorgeous. I miss this house so much it hurts. I feel like I've had
everything ripped out from underneath me. I'm living in an apartment
that smells like old, stale cigarettes. This house still smells brand new.

I'm only 3 months in and I feel raw. I feel cheated. I go back and forth
from being angry, to sad, to okay and all over again. I don't know what I've
gotten myself into by being here for a week.

I stayed at my old house the whole time. I called him the next day after I got there and told him I just couldn't stay at his house. I think I told him I didn't want the kids getting any mixed signals and I just couldn't bring myself to stay there.

Fast forward 3 weeks, and here I am. I still haven't wrapped my head around the fact that I am LEGALLY single. I am no longer married. I cannot understand how there are women (or men) in the world who find themselves HAPPY about this. Honestly, I thought I would celebrate this day. I thought we'd have a big party and be happy and laugh and talk about how much better things will get from here on out. But now.... now that this day is here, I can't. My heart hurts so much. My pain of what I endured has made way for the pain of what used to be. I feel guilt, I question whether I will really be blameless before the Lord when this life is over. Did I do enough? I feel like I'm split in two. If my daughter had come to me and told me the things I have had to tell people about my situation, I would tell her in a heartbeat that she had indeed done all she could do and it was time to get out, and do it fast. But on the other side of me, I feel like I don't know if I can even believe it. How much bad can really come out of something that's supposed to be good? But I lived it. As sure as I'm breathing, it happened. I wish it was a bad dream. That I could wake up and have a husband I'm madly in love with. Effortlessly in love with. But the reality of my life is that I don't. And I don't know if I really ever did. I'd like to think that one day I will have that. But my light ahead of me is only shining for about 4 feet of my path and I can't see anything beyond it.

Some days I'm not such a downer. But I find that there are few people who can genuinely relate to what I'm feeling and going through. I wish I could be the teenager that everyone had fun around. The girl who was always smiling and laughing. I'm exhausted beyond my means. I'm playing the role of two parents in one. I'm outnumbered by my own children. There are no extra hands or eyes, no extra time. To many, it sounds like I'm complaining. But to those who have been in my shoes, they can relate. I used to be the stay at home mom who complained about mundane crap. Walmart vs Target. Homeschooling vs public schooling. Carts not being returned. I used to be the mom who's only schedule involved which playdates we wanted to go to that week. I used to have a husband who could stay home with my kids so I could have a few hours with my friends. I thought I needed those girls nights out then.... There are so many things I took for granted. I knew this would be hard. But I also knew staying would have been worse.

And now.... I am, in every sense of the phrase,

The single mom.

One step forward, 2 steps back

You know which Paula Abdul song I'm talking about. It gets stuck in your head anytime you hear anything about stepping forward and back. And then you picture the video on your head at the same time... with that cartoon cat and crazy Paula and the cat and jumping all over the stairs and dancing. So since you're seeing and hearing it in your head and you see them all over the stairs, forward, backward, forward, jumping, dancing..... that's what is going on in my life right now.

Things will be relatively peaceful for a short amount of time. Until I check my bank account. Or I have a lag of time where I have no work opportunities.

A couple weeks ago, the kids got that dang stomach bug that has been going around. That lasted over a week. I was about to scratch my eyes out. I'm getting used to vomit, but diarrhea is something I will never get used to. YUCK!

I had my last wisdom tooth taken out yesterday. My jaw still hurts really bad. The actual procedure didn't hurt at all (and I knew it wouldn't.. I had my other 3 taken out a long time ago all at one time) ... the tooth was actually growing in sideways cause there wasn't enough room in my mouth. The root of it was difficult to get to, so it took a little longer because they had to drill and pry and pull and all kinds of stuff to get it out. lol I know, I can't think about it in much detail because it's gross. But I saw the part that didn't want to come out. Lemme tell ya, I'm glad they worked as hard as they did to get it out, cause it looked painful!

I'm taking the kids to their dad this weekend. I have a class to take for the divorce before it's final and it's this weekend. The ex hasn't taken his yet. hahahaha...

I'm feeling pretty frustrated with a lot of things right now. It's hard to explain. I'm worried. That's nothing new. But that's about as much detail as I want to get in to right now. Thinking about it all the time makes me feel worse and I'm tired of being so stressed out that I can't smile or enjoy my time with my kids. At the same time it's hard to have faith that everything will work out. I'm working as hard as I can to make ends meet, but I see no reward for my effort and it's frustrating.

Kids are okay... Rotten boy had all his binkies taken away a couple weeks ago... he cries a lot now. But he's talking a lot more. My little chatterbox is showing a much more affectionate side... but she also STILL asks 800 questions in a row, always the same ones. Hoping to get some progress made with getting them both evaluated.

It's time to go take my medicines so the dentist doesn't yell at me ... lol (yeah right) I'm going to bed. Till next time ...

The single mom.

short one...

I'm beyond exhausted and ready for bed... and it's only 1:15 am! LOL I'm making progress!!!!

I had a conversation with him tonight. Quite a lengthy one. Here's the highlights that occured to me....

• his family still despises me. awesome.... however, no surprise there.
• he still places no blame on his family for their part in how things went down.
• he is still convinced our marriage was damaged beyond repair from the very beginning (unbeknownst to me.. I have my own opinions of it and it involves him just not being compassionate and patient)
• the majority of the pain I feel is not because I lost a husband, but because of the way his family feels about me... I think it stems from my belief that they had no right to judge me the way they did and treat me with such disrespect.
• I think I realize he will never change his opinions on what and where things started going from bad to worse. He doesn't take much (if any) responsibility for how it turned out and says the issues we had in regards to intimacy were because I knew about the porn... not because of the addiction itself. (justification anyone?)

Kellie Pickler has a song out ("Don't you know you're beautiful") - the last verse is actually talking to a middle aged woman and she says "So he left you for a girl that could be your twin, if you were 28 again" (which I am... lol) but the part that replays in my head over and over and over again -

"Let him go, let him fly. Keep your head up, get on with your life!"

Amen Kellie Pickler.... Amen.

The single mom.

Oh me? Don't mind my presence.

I'm invisible anyway.

I keep going through the cycles of grief....... I don't know what order they go in. Denial - far from it. Depression - check. Anger - you bet. Acceptance - not a chance any time soon.

These head rush sensations are bugging me.

Don't you hate it when you have a good day, then something happens and it pisses you off to the point that it makes the first part of your day seem insignificant? Don't lie to yourself. You know it happens. And if you're better than that, here's a gold star.

I need chips and ice cream. Now.

The single mom.

stress.

I've been incredibly busy lately, which explains the lack of posting for the last 10 days. I guess in a way it's good that I've been busy... it keeps me preoccupied. But honestly, the busier I am, the more emotional I become. It's like a constant reminder that I am doing this pretty much alone. Yes, I have my family here and I get a break every other weekend when the kids go see their dad. But I don't know how to explain it. There's no relief around dinner time when husbands usually come home from work. There's only 2 hands to take care of the kids instead of 4. There's only 1 set of eyes to keep tabs on both kids instead of 2. Day in and day out, it's just me. And I'm exhausted. I'm so exhausted I cry. A lot. I'm crying right now, for the love. My apartment is a mess, and even though I don't usually care too much about cleaning all the time, it still makes me feel like people are looking at me and thinking "Why the heck isn't she on top of this? What a slacker!" ... the same crap I dealt with when I was married. "you're lazy. there's no other excuse for it. no one else has a house that looks like this." Prime example of why :

Sunday was my mom's family reunion. After I realized that we wouldn't be going over to mom's house after church as usual, I reluctantly decided I'd cook something and we'd go. Mom was begging me to go anyway. So I get everything from the store that I need to make a couple things and Sunday morning I get up and start cooking. I made a homemade strawberry cake and Paula Deen's chicken spaghetti casserole. While I was busy in the kitchen slaving over everything (cause you know when it comes to food, I don't do half-a$$), my kids were causing drama in the living room. I'm watching them this whole time, but I've got egg shells dropping in the cake batter, flour to be sifted, noodles to be cooked, dishes to be washed, and I can't break away long enough to make them sit down and be nice. So they start having this "race" with my blinds hanging over my back door. I'm constantly telling the boy to stop. He LOVES to pull on the slats. Well, the girl and the boy BOTH starting pulling on the dang blinds and next thing I know I hear this crash. Yep. They pulled the whole freakin thing off the clips. Down onto my floor. I was supposed to leave at 11:30. By the time I got the food done, got them dressed, got myself ready and got the food packed up, it was noon. On the way out the door, I had my hands full and the boy managed to escape from me with a cup in his hand. (I don't like to let him out the door with anything in his hand. Here's why.) As I'm trying to get the door shut, and get the kids down the stairs, the boy runs over to the front part of the apartment building and throws his cup over the ledge. I was sure it was going to bust. I start walking over to go get him and make him get down the stairs and the girl was distracted fussing at the boy because he wasn't listening, that she slipped and fell down the stairs. Thankfully it was just 2 or 3 stairs, but she scraped up her back and was crying hysterically. I watched her fall, so I know it hurt. So I'm reaching for her and trying to make sure she's okay and comfort her, and the boy takes that perfect opportunity to take my neighbor's shoes that they leave outside their door and throws THEM over the ledge too. By this point I was pissed to the point I wanted to pull out my hair strands one by one and lock them in their rooms. I walk over to the boy and smack his hand, so I've got both kids crying and me fuming mad. We get down the stairs, pick up the cup, I get the cake and the kids in the car, then I have to pick up the dang shoes, carry them back up the stairs and get the casserole that just came out of the oven back down stairs. I was already sweating, we were late and I am always outnumbered.

It's stuff like that that is a constant reminder that I don't get a break anymore. Half the time the kids are gone to see their dad, I spend in the car driving to and from the meeting place. I stay up late just to get some time to myself, and get some work done... but by then, it's so late, I feel like a living zombie the next morning.

I'm trying to make my two businesses work. I want to be successful. But how can I schedule anything when I can't pay for a babysitter so that I'm not spending my entire appointments chasing after my kids and begging them to stop yelling??

I lose my insurance as soon as the divorce is final. I won't be able to afford my medicine anymore. Which means I have to wean from it. I have mixed emotions about that. I don't want to be dependant on it for the rest of my life, but I am terrified of the person I'll be once I'm not on it anymore. I can't handle comments from family or friends telling me what a stressed out, mean, crazy person I am when I don't take it. Cause you know it happens. I'm so stressed. I can't handle all this pressure. I can't do this by myself. I'm so incredibly lonely. I need a break so bad. One that's longer than a few hours or a day and a half. I don't get to ENJOY my kids anymore. I'm always the mean mom because there's not enough of me to go around to everything that I have to do. Even the basic things get pushed back because there's never enough time to do them. Don't ask me what I do all day... That's like asking why Michael Jackson was a weirdo - there's no good, real answer. I just know there's never enough hours in a day.

I feel rejected.
I look at the scale and never see the numbers come down.
I look at my bank account and wonder how long I have before I reach crisis mode? And how long will I have to be worried about it?
And what hurts the most ... are all the people I know who are in happy marriages, who have loving spouses, who are married to their best friends... there's this panic that sets in after you get divorced. You made this huge change, because things were unbearable for another minute. You give up the security. Even though things sucked, there was always the security keeping you there as long as it did. You knew you fit in. You had the ideal picture. You know that movie with Will Smith... "The Persuit of Happyness" (look it up. I didn't spell it wrong on accident.) ... I hated that movie. Bad things kept happening to him. There was never relief, there was never a good spell. One bad thing after another, after another, after another. I know my life hasn't gotten to the point that his was, but that's how it feels. Where's the relief? When will it change? I admire that he faked it every day to his little boy. He never let him see defeat. I can't do that. I'm not gloom and doom with my kids, but I find very few things left to enjoy because of my position. It's too hard to fake it. I think of him and being married and I want to throw up.

Obviously, I find myself in a dark hole right now. I have days where I feel hopeful. But right now they are coming few and far between. It's been almost 2 months now since I moved away. The divorce is final the end of June. Even then I won't really be free.

The single mom.

.....

Today I was the mom in Walmart that everyone was staring at. My boy (I like to call him little boy. ha) decided that Walmart was the place to demonstrate his very high pitched screaming. Over and over and over and over and over. His sister kept racing with herself away from me, which included falling down and tripping over her feet many times. It started before I even left the apartment. She smashed his hand in the door because she wouldn't listen when I told her to STOP messing with the door. So she got in trouble. My kids were both crying as loudly as possible going all the way down aaaalll our flights of stairs. Little princess that she is, got mad when she was at the bottom of the stairs and started hitting the side of the apartment building with her baby doll. I'm sure the people LIVING in that apartment JUST LOVED THAT.

All through Walmart, I was "STOP THAT!" "BE QUIET!" "COME BACK HERE!" ... I HATE being that mom. I got nasty looks from some women in the freezer section. I was on the phone with my mom trying to figure out what was for dinner and princess was running around and fell down for the eight hundredth time. I barely even looked up at her, only to say "I TOLD YOU TO STOP!" .... so apparently that awarded me "abusive mom of the year" award by the snotty woman in the freezer section. If she only freakin knew how the first HOUR of that trip had been, and what I deal with on a daily basis. I'm sure to her it just looked like I was a hateful mom who didn't care that her child just fell down, I was more concerned with my phone call. If I had the time or the patience, I would have stopped to ask her what her problem was. I was in THAT kind of mood today.

I'm feeling incredibly defeated right now. I'm so overwhelmed. I want soooooo badly to do well for myself and my kids. I just wanted to stop in the middle of Walmart and start screaming and crying myself. I still haven't been sleeping well at all. I got a call from a blocked number at 12:30 in the morning last night with some crazy message, they said my name and told me they know what I'm doing and that I needed to quit it or they were going to do something. I don't know if it was my brothers playing a prank on me or if it really was some weirdo... but it terrified me for a good two hours after that.

Anyways... I finally got my kids to bed after I got home, and I just wanted to sit down and collapse into a ball of emotion. So instead I played FarmTown on facebook. lol.

A song has been running through my head all day that always hits home... It was written by Michael McLean. I won't post all the lyrics, just the ones that keep ringing in my head. So get a kleenex. Or maybe I should.

A Lullaby For Me

I'm glad that you can sleep, I wish that I could too

I'm sorry that today I wasn't really here for you.

I must have slipped away to some far distant land

Where I'm the child who cries until her mother takes her hand

Today I have not been the mom you needed me to be

And tonight I wish that you could sing

A lullaby for me

This hasn't been a day that I want to repeat

I'm sorry I could only say I'm sorry while you sleep

Today I have not been the mom you needed me to be

And tonight I wish that you could sing

A lullaby for me

Tonight I need someone to sing

A lullaby for me

The single mom.

uh, duh duh duh

Why is it that BEFORE I created this blog, all I could think about is what I would say if I had one?

Now I do, and I feel like I'm staring at a blank chalk board. There's so much pressure! If I'm not witty or funny or entertaining enough, there you go, bye bye.

My Mary Kay kit came today. :) I'm sitting on my couch surrounded in materials that I'm slightly confused about. LOL I've been getting training, and trying to get up the courage to start asking people to let me practice my facial presentation. I'm a big wuss! I'm so afraid of the word NO. Who isn't? I need to meet them. lol

"Glambert" was on American Idol tonight. He's such a pretty boy. Too bad he's such a dirty freak. lol I told my mom I want to marry someone who looks just like him! LOL I'm not entirely kidding either. lol

My boy has been in this phase of throwing things. I'm about to lose it. He throws EVERYTHING. Is it a boy thing? Is it an age thing? I'm going mad! Cars, trains, plates, forks, buckets, shoes... if it's in his hand and the mood strikes him, he throws it. The boy can hurl stuff across a room! He's hit his older sister in the head many MANY times, and the crying never stops. "WAAAAAAAH!! MOMMY HE THREW THAT AT MY HEAD!!!" .... She's older, she's bigger... and she whines like a baby. You know those pictures online that show a mom with smoke coming out of her ears and her hair standing up like she's been electrocuted? I feel like that A LOT. I have two eyes, two ears, two hands, two feet and two kids.......... but I feel outnumbered by hundreds.

It's been two or three days now of falling asleep after 3:30 am. I'm so tired. I feel like I can ACTUALLY go to sleep now, but there's food that needs to be put away and my MK stuff is sitting out, no doubt in a place where my kids will think it all needs to be torn up or colored on. SO, that means I'll have to force myself to stay awake when I don't want to be to finish things that need to be done. By the time it's finally done, I'll either be so tired I won't be able to crawl fast enough to my bed, or I'll be so wired it'll be ANOTHER 3 am night before I can sleep. lol Choices, choices. Maybe I'll put up my MK stuff and leave the food out. No, I don't wanna do that because I made chicken stuffing casserole... and it's GOOD. Which means I need to do both. But I wanted to watch Glee, cause I recorded it. But WAIT! The kids will be with their dad this weekend, so maybe I can sleep in and watch my shows while they're gone! YES! One more day! I can do that!

My list that I need to get done before tomorrow is -
fold laundry - I have about 8 loads of laundry in various places that need to be folded and put away.. or washed. lol No joke.
do more dishes - it's like laundry... the more dishes you do, the more need to be done. I hate it.
vacuum
clean up the toys
clean up my room

and other stuff that SHOULD be done but probably won't get done tomorrow - clean the bathrooms, mop, crap like that.

I need more hands ... or just more of me. But that could cause some problems........ lol

The single mom.

I like ...

Sesame Street.

Team UmiZoomi.

House.

Glee.

Bones.

Law and Order (SVU. or Criminal Intent.)

Salads.

Cheeseburgers (homemade.)

Skittles.

White chocolate.

Pizza.

Bread.

Egyptian cotton sheets.

Feather pillows.

Quilts.

Having cold sheets. (and pillows. lol)

When my kids go to bed without getting up 800 times.

Where I live.

When my kids eat their food like they haven't eaten in days.

Being able to pick out my own furniture and decorate how I want to.

Laughing.

Hot showers.

Having friends.

My "job" (or jobs lol)

Writing.

The single mom.

The thoughts in my head

Just because I'm generous, I thought I'd give you guys a little sampling of what goes on in my head after the kids are asleep. That's a really hard time of the day for me. During the day, I go go go go go go go, trying to keep up with the apartment, the kids, being places, etc. It's completely different than when I lived in the other place.

See, that's part of the problem. I'll be thinking about one thing and it'll remind me of something else, so I start thinking about that and eventually it turns into this long, drawn out thinking party that keeps me awake for hours. WHO DOES THAT? I mean REALLY!

I go through various phases. I don't feel any pain or sadness over the love. I guess it died a long time ago and I just never knew that's what it felt like. There were no tears when I drove away from my beautiful house for the last time. Only taken by surprise when he asked me for the house key before I left. That was more painful than anything. The tears didn't come until after he forwarded an email to me showing me the pictures of the work they did on the house after I left. (They being him and his mother and brother.) I BEGGED him to let me paint that house when we lived there. BEGGED him. The kids would make huge messes on the walls and it was that terrible flat paint (tinted primer) that does NOT come clean, no matter WHAT you try. In fact, the more you scrub, the more it peels off or spreads the stain. So, I begged him to paint it with something that could easily be washed. Nope. Didn't happen. He was so insistent on being involved with the decorating, he didn't like ANYTHING I suggested. I'm not afraid of color. But I watch designing shows, so therefore it makes me an expert (*wink* lol) and I knew what to avoid and how to coordinate and such. But no, he was the REAL art expert and nothing I picked out was good enough. Or there wasn't enough money. Or whatever. I think it was just because he was too (*&^ lazy. Only when he was FORCED by someone other than me did he do anything. When we moved out of our first house? That was when he painted and did landscaping. When I moved out of the second house? That's when he did the painting and cleaned the carpets. *sigh* ... When I saw that email, I just fell apart. It feels like my entire existence in that house was erased. The only things that remain that have my name on it are the curtains I bought for the kitchen and living room, and a cute little bird house that hangs from my kitchen ceiling. :( You know how when you are living in a house, you think "Man this place is a dump! There's never enough room!" ... but then when you move out and it's all clean and done up to try to sell, you want to kick yourself because you didn't realize just how big that house really was? No? Just me? Awesome. Well... I had a HUGE yard. It wasn't entirely usable, but it was HUGE nonetheless. It was brand spankin new. It was in the country. I could see the stars without any obstruction. I felt safe there. (A little freaked out because it WAS so far in the country, and sometimes at night I would scare myself crapless because looking out the windows into the dark TERRIFIED me. But safe.) So my sadness now comes from not know if I'll ever have that again.

It's the not knowing. It eats me alive. I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me how long I'm going to live in this limbo. My child support pays for about half of my bills. But I can't afford babysitters to be able to work to afford the other half. So I'm trying to promote myself by getting a nail clientelle built up. It's going to take a long time though. I also sell Mary Kay. I do work for my mom. I can babysit. I do odd jobs, just hoping I can make enough money to support me and the kids. I stress about money all the time. I don't want to run out. Once my alimony is gone, that's it. And I'm terrified that day will come much sooner than later. HE on the other hand... lives with his mommy now. His car is paid off. Once the house sells, he'll have no mortgage, no utilities, no mortgage insurance.... only gas, cell phone and car insurance. Tough life, huh? Must be nice. Meanwhile, I'm bombarded with debt, a car payment I can't afford, insurance for every tiny little thing (except health insurance once the divorce is final) and all the other utilities that come with living in an apartment. It makes me so angry. I know I get more than a lot of other women in my situation for child support. But I'm still angry.

The latest saga is the utilities at the old house. Where we lived, the way they were set up is whoever is there, that's who's name they go in. He didn't take the time off work to set them up, so I did. Which means they were all in my name. Power, trash and water. My choices before leaving were shut them off and let him open a new account and pay a new connection fee, or find out what he needed to do to just do a name change and transfer it so the bills wouldn't follow me after I moved. I was the nice ex-wife. I trusted that he would find time in his days of NO responsibility and take the divorce papers to the various businesses and change the name on the accounts. I've been gone a MONTH now.... and I'm getting disconnection notices and bills forwarded from the utility companies because HE hasn't gone to change them yet! A lot of people are telling me, so what, let them shut it off... he can pay it to get reconnected - it's not your responsibility anymore! Which is true. I don't care if they get shut off and he has to pay. But I DO care that they are in MY name and it messes up MY credit when that happens. So I called his lawyer. She was supposed to call him today. He never made mention of it when he talked to the kids tonight, so I don't know what happened.

I know I'm so messed up in regards to trusting a man right now. But I'm terrified of being single forever. Yeah yeah, I've been told I won't stay single long, that I'm so fun, etc, etc. But I feel so damaged, so huge, so unattractive.... then add 2 kids to that? Any man near my age range is going to go running far away from that as soon as he hears the words. I don't want to marry an old dude. I just don't. But what 28 or 29 year old male is going to be ready to take on a fat chick with two kids? I just don't see it happening. I'm afraid to think too that there are single LDS men my age out there... but they hold on to the false belief that a divorced woman is unworthy to marry. You're probably thinking "WHY ARE YOU EVEN WORRIED ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW???" ... and I ask myself that ALL.THE.TIME. I don't KNOW why I'm worried about it. I figure it has something to do with the doubt that I can ever provide for my kids financially without a husband to take care of me. Which I think is a very valid fear. But whatever.

That's the kind of stuff that fills my head... EVERY DAY. Useless stuff. Crap that I shouldn't even be thinking about right now. But ... it all goes back to money. I'm terrified of running out. I'm that way with everything. Toilet paper, cleaning supplies, food, diapers, wipes, laundry detergent, gas... you name it, I probably have a stock pile of it. Because I'm afraid to run out. I clearly have issues. lol UGH!

Now, if you'll excuse me... it's midnight and Wuthering Heights is calling my name. It's my "go to sleep" reading. And so far it's working... because I don't have the dangdest idea what this book is even about. lol

The single mom.

Sleepy mommy

I am exhausted. SO. FREAKING. EXHAUSTED.

I can't fall asleep at night. It's been this way for months. I feel relatively safe, so I'm not paranoid with apartment living. The kids sleep all night long. My bed isn't as comfy as I was hoping it would be, but it's not terrible. I just can't get to sleep.

It's almost 2 am my time, and I'm awake. Blogging. Being awake at this time is the norm for me these days. If I could, I'd like to sleep my days away, just like he did when we were married. Must have been nice to avoid all those responsibilities and then have the nerve to get mad at me because I was pissed that he wouldn't get out of bed at 11:30 am when I needed help cleaning up a massive mess the kids made. Oh yeah. That was constant. On the weekends, there was no use in getting anything done or going anywhere as a family. Nope, he slept it away. He would wake up around 3 pm, just in time for the kids to start falling apart.

In a way, it's much easier for me to be alone with the kids. I don't have anyone to tell me when something needs to be cleaned. I can do it on my own dang time. I don't have an extra adult that acts like a child and needs to be cared for 24/7. I just have two actual children who are very busy and make me exhausted. lol As if I wasn't already. "Sleeping in" for me now means anything past 8:30 (and those of you who know me well know that this is a miracle in and of itself) and time by myself is nearly a thing of the past.

I think tomorrow is a good nap day. *rubbing eyes* .... Maybe I should attempt a few hours of sleep before my hoodlums get up and start emptying my fridge. lol

The single mom.

My story

Most of you know me. You know a lot about my story. But I'm going to tell it anyway, so get ready. lol

I grew up like any typical LDS girl. Went to seminary, went to young womens, learned the lessons everyone else did. Find a returned missionary, get married in the temple and live happily ever after. And I did. I did everything the way we're taught to do them. I did everything right. And somehow, along the road, it all fell apart.

I got married March 15, 2003 in the Columbia, SC LDS temple. Things were .... definitely NOT happy ever after. I moved to an entirely different state, no family, no friends. Depression quickly set in, problems arose, in-laws interfered, and things got worse. Occasionally, we'd have good times. Things wouldn't be HORRIBLE, but they'd just be okay. Then we had a baby. Oh, how I loved being a mommy. I didn't have to work, I stayed home and took care of my sweet baby. And she had parents who just adored every little thing she did. Time went by, and baby number two came along. When he was about 6 months old, things took a turn for the worst. We both began shutting down. Mine was from post-partum depression. I don't know what his excuse was. Medical intervention was necessary. I started seeing about as many doctors as you can possibly see to get help for depression, and thought I was making improvements.

I knew things weren't right. I knew we had some big problems. But I thought we would be okay, because I was doing everything I could think of make it better. You see, HE was never to blame for the problems. Ever. It was always me. I wasn't doing this right, I didn't do this enough, if I would get better, HE could get better. We bought a bigger house. We moved to a new ward. But guess what, it didn't change.

In August, that's when the proverbial crap hit the fan. His dad became violently ill - a slow, constant sickness that just built up and got worse over a couple month's time. I had been working, and on my very last day of working at the spa, I got word that my father in law had been admitted to the hospital for the second time in a week. More testing was done, and the morning after he was admitted, he was taken in for surgery. It didn't go well and he never woke up. He spent about a week and a half in the ICU on life support, every nurse, every doctor trying every medicine and idea they could come up with to bring him back. Sadly, he passed away on the 12th. It was heartbreaking, unexpected and a big blow to the entire family. Of all of my in-laws, he was definitely my favorite one. He was the ONLY one who accepted me as I came. I loved that man. And he was gone. Even as heartbroken and devastated as I was, I knew it was only a grain of sand on a beach in comparison to how my (then) husband felt. He and his dad had a connection that is seldom achieved by many parents and children. They understood each other in a way no one else did. They weren't much for showing affection or even talking that often, but there was an unbreakable bond. With the death of his dad, came the death of his functioning. He stopped showering. He started sleeping when he wasn't working. He stopped eating. On and on this went, for weeks. Months. He decided during all this that I still wasn't measuring up to what he wanted me to be, and so I was put through a "boot camp" of sorts to teach me how to be a better wife, mother and house keeper. I was under the impression it was just his sister in law being nice, showing me how to keep my head about me. Looking back now, it was all to try to change ME. Like I was something broken that needed to be fixed.

September rolled around and I went to Texas to visit one of my best friends. In the turmoil of my father in law's death, the "boot camp", the changes, the depression, the problems - it was not the best of trips. I loved the time I spent driving. I would drive across the country and back just for the fun of it, if I could. I attempted to go home early, after 2 trips to the urgent clinic determined I had two VERY sick children and when I told this to my (then) husband, the answer I got was, "I'm not ready for you to come home yet". (yes.... this caused much anger.)

October came without much change. Things were still going from bad to worse. Then one day, a phone call came. His sister in law was calling to find out how things were. More of the same, I told her. He doesn't speak to me. He sleeps all the time. He won't take showers. He ignores the kids. Stressed about this, about that ..... The phone call ended with her promise that help would soon be on the way and they would get back in touch with us once they figured out what that help was going to be. I was thinking "maybe some money to help with stressful bills coming up. or maybe a week long vacation, just us." ..... Little did I know they were about to drop the biggest bomb on my head.

No, they didn't offer a vacation. Or money. Their solution was to send him all the way across the United States of America to live with them for an undetermined amount of time. Maybe 3 months. Maybe 7 months. Maybe a year! A YEAR! Or more! They decided I was more of a problem than a solution, and he just wasn't getting the help he needed where we lived. At first, (still unaware this was all just to get him away from me) I was supportive of this plan. "Time to myself, he gets help and gets better, we move away, he gets a better job.. that's fine with me". As time went by, and plans were made (without any discussion with me) I quickly became concerned that this was NOT just "help" because "life shouldn't be this hard". He took weeks to decide if he was going. His family convinced him that he should go. So I started asking if he was going to come back if he did leave. His answer was "I don't know. I don't have any plans". His mother came and packed his suitcases for him, packed his car and drove him (in his car) out west. He left. And he didn't look back. Days went by before I could get him to answer my calls. Emails, rarely a response. I had to start calling his brother's house just to find out when I would hear from him. And then, they started trying to convince me to send my children out there to live with them, so THEY could take care of them.

Around Christmas time, he finally came back. He was gone almost 2 months. He stayed in my house with me and the kids for 2 days. And then he moved out. Our divorce papers were signed the beginning of March and will be final at the end of June. I have primary custody of our kids and moved away from him and his family.

I will do my best not to mention names, or exact places - just so I don't end up with problems later on. This blog will be a journal of sorts for me.... where I can vent and scream and whine and cry and complain ....... but also, as life starts to turn for the better, where I can laugh, celebrate, and be happy. Obviously, I ask those of you who DO know me and DO know him and his family, PLEASE DO NOT TELL THEM ABOUT THIS BLOG! DO NOT TELL HIM/THEM I HAVE FACEBOOK! I'm trying to keep things as private as possible.

So that's the back story. I left out A LOT of details on purpose, but if you have any questions, feel free to ask. Look for more postings soon.

The single mom.