.....

Today I was the mom in Walmart that everyone was staring at. My boy (I like to call him little boy. ha) decided that Walmart was the place to demonstrate his very high pitched screaming. Over and over and over and over and over. His sister kept racing with herself away from me, which included falling down and tripping over her feet many times. It started before I even left the apartment. She smashed his hand in the door because she wouldn't listen when I told her to STOP messing with the door. So she got in trouble. My kids were both crying as loudly as possible going all the way down aaaalll our flights of stairs. Little princess that she is, got mad when she was at the bottom of the stairs and started hitting the side of the apartment building with her baby doll. I'm sure the people LIVING in that apartment JUST LOVED THAT.

All through Walmart, I was "STOP THAT!" "BE QUIET!" "COME BACK HERE!" ... I HATE being that mom. I got nasty looks from some women in the freezer section. I was on the phone with my mom trying to figure out what was for dinner and princess was running around and fell down for the eight hundredth time. I barely even looked up at her, only to say "I TOLD YOU TO STOP!" .... so apparently that awarded me "abusive mom of the year" award by the snotty woman in the freezer section. If she only freakin knew how the first HOUR of that trip had been, and what I deal with on a daily basis. I'm sure to her it just looked like I was a hateful mom who didn't care that her child just fell down, I was more concerned with my phone call. If I had the time or the patience, I would have stopped to ask her what her problem was. I was in THAT kind of mood today.

I'm feeling incredibly defeated right now. I'm so overwhelmed. I want soooooo badly to do well for myself and my kids. I just wanted to stop in the middle of Walmart and start screaming and crying myself. I still haven't been sleeping well at all. I got a call from a blocked number at 12:30 in the morning last night with some crazy message, they said my name and told me they know what I'm doing and that I needed to quit it or they were going to do something. I don't know if it was my brothers playing a prank on me or if it really was some weirdo... but it terrified me for a good two hours after that.

Anyways... I finally got my kids to bed after I got home, and I just wanted to sit down and collapse into a ball of emotion. So instead I played FarmTown on facebook. lol.

A song has been running through my head all day that always hits home... It was written by Michael McLean. I won't post all the lyrics, just the ones that keep ringing in my head. So get a kleenex. Or maybe I should.

A Lullaby For Me

I'm glad that you can sleep, I wish that I could too

I'm sorry that today I wasn't really here for you.

I must have slipped away to some far distant land

Where I'm the child who cries until her mother takes her hand

Today I have not been the mom you needed me to be

And tonight I wish that you could sing

A lullaby for me

This hasn't been a day that I want to repeat

I'm sorry I could only say I'm sorry while you sleep

Today I have not been the mom you needed me to be

And tonight I wish that you could sing

A lullaby for me

Tonight I need someone to sing

A lullaby for me

The single mom.