The thoughts in my head

Just because I'm generous, I thought I'd give you guys a little sampling of what goes on in my head after the kids are asleep. That's a really hard time of the day for me. During the day, I go go go go go go go, trying to keep up with the apartment, the kids, being places, etc. It's completely different than when I lived in the other place.

See, that's part of the problem. I'll be thinking about one thing and it'll remind me of something else, so I start thinking about that and eventually it turns into this long, drawn out thinking party that keeps me awake for hours. WHO DOES THAT? I mean REALLY!

I go through various phases. I don't feel any pain or sadness over the love. I guess it died a long time ago and I just never knew that's what it felt like. There were no tears when I drove away from my beautiful house for the last time. Only taken by surprise when he asked me for the house key before I left. That was more painful than anything. The tears didn't come until after he forwarded an email to me showing me the pictures of the work they did on the house after I left. (They being him and his mother and brother.) I BEGGED him to let me paint that house when we lived there. BEGGED him. The kids would make huge messes on the walls and it was that terrible flat paint (tinted primer) that does NOT come clean, no matter WHAT you try. In fact, the more you scrub, the more it peels off or spreads the stain. So, I begged him to paint it with something that could easily be washed. Nope. Didn't happen. He was so insistent on being involved with the decorating, he didn't like ANYTHING I suggested. I'm not afraid of color. But I watch designing shows, so therefore it makes me an expert (*wink* lol) and I knew what to avoid and how to coordinate and such. But no, he was the REAL art expert and nothing I picked out was good enough. Or there wasn't enough money. Or whatever. I think it was just because he was too (*&^ lazy. Only when he was FORCED by someone other than me did he do anything. When we moved out of our first house? That was when he painted and did landscaping. When I moved out of the second house? That's when he did the painting and cleaned the carpets. *sigh* ... When I saw that email, I just fell apart. It feels like my entire existence in that house was erased. The only things that remain that have my name on it are the curtains I bought for the kitchen and living room, and a cute little bird house that hangs from my kitchen ceiling. :( You know how when you are living in a house, you think "Man this place is a dump! There's never enough room!" ... but then when you move out and it's all clean and done up to try to sell, you want to kick yourself because you didn't realize just how big that house really was? No? Just me? Awesome. Well... I had a HUGE yard. It wasn't entirely usable, but it was HUGE nonetheless. It was brand spankin new. It was in the country. I could see the stars without any obstruction. I felt safe there. (A little freaked out because it WAS so far in the country, and sometimes at night I would scare myself crapless because looking out the windows into the dark TERRIFIED me. But safe.) So my sadness now comes from not know if I'll ever have that again.

It's the not knowing. It eats me alive. I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me how long I'm going to live in this limbo. My child support pays for about half of my bills. But I can't afford babysitters to be able to work to afford the other half. So I'm trying to promote myself by getting a nail clientelle built up. It's going to take a long time though. I also sell Mary Kay. I do work for my mom. I can babysit. I do odd jobs, just hoping I can make enough money to support me and the kids. I stress about money all the time. I don't want to run out. Once my alimony is gone, that's it. And I'm terrified that day will come much sooner than later. HE on the other hand... lives with his mommy now. His car is paid off. Once the house sells, he'll have no mortgage, no utilities, no mortgage insurance.... only gas, cell phone and car insurance. Tough life, huh? Must be nice. Meanwhile, I'm bombarded with debt, a car payment I can't afford, insurance for every tiny little thing (except health insurance once the divorce is final) and all the other utilities that come with living in an apartment. It makes me so angry. I know I get more than a lot of other women in my situation for child support. But I'm still angry.

The latest saga is the utilities at the old house. Where we lived, the way they were set up is whoever is there, that's who's name they go in. He didn't take the time off work to set them up, so I did. Which means they were all in my name. Power, trash and water. My choices before leaving were shut them off and let him open a new account and pay a new connection fee, or find out what he needed to do to just do a name change and transfer it so the bills wouldn't follow me after I moved. I was the nice ex-wife. I trusted that he would find time in his days of NO responsibility and take the divorce papers to the various businesses and change the name on the accounts. I've been gone a MONTH now.... and I'm getting disconnection notices and bills forwarded from the utility companies because HE hasn't gone to change them yet! A lot of people are telling me, so what, let them shut it off... he can pay it to get reconnected - it's not your responsibility anymore! Which is true. I don't care if they get shut off and he has to pay. But I DO care that they are in MY name and it messes up MY credit when that happens. So I called his lawyer. She was supposed to call him today. He never made mention of it when he talked to the kids tonight, so I don't know what happened.

I know I'm so messed up in regards to trusting a man right now. But I'm terrified of being single forever. Yeah yeah, I've been told I won't stay single long, that I'm so fun, etc, etc. But I feel so damaged, so huge, so unattractive.... then add 2 kids to that? Any man near my age range is going to go running far away from that as soon as he hears the words. I don't want to marry an old dude. I just don't. But what 28 or 29 year old male is going to be ready to take on a fat chick with two kids? I just don't see it happening. I'm afraid to think too that there are single LDS men my age out there... but they hold on to the false belief that a divorced woman is unworthy to marry. You're probably thinking "WHY ARE YOU EVEN WORRIED ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW???" ... and I ask myself that ALL.THE.TIME. I don't KNOW why I'm worried about it. I figure it has something to do with the doubt that I can ever provide for my kids financially without a husband to take care of me. Which I think is a very valid fear. But whatever.

That's the kind of stuff that fills my head... EVERY DAY. Useless stuff. Crap that I shouldn't even be thinking about right now. But ... it all goes back to money. I'm terrified of running out. I'm that way with everything. Toilet paper, cleaning supplies, food, diapers, wipes, laundry detergent, gas... you name it, I probably have a stock pile of it. Because I'm afraid to run out. I clearly have issues. lol UGH!

Now, if you'll excuse me... it's midnight and Wuthering Heights is calling my name. It's my "go to sleep" reading. And so far it's working... because I don't have the dangdest idea what this book is even about. lol

The single mom.