I'd like change. Please. Well I'd like change too!

Oh my goodness.

I feel like I'm waking up from a very long and VERY bad dream!!! I'm SMILING ... A LOT. I'm singing! I'm laughing! And it's all so overwhelming I feel like I'm going to cry!!! LOL Let me explain, cause I know this seems to be completely out of nowhere.

Last week I finally sat myself down and said "self... you have A LOT of phone calls that need to be made that you haven't made yet. So DO it. NOW." .... so, I did. I sat down at my desk (which I built and set up all by my lonesome, thank-you-very-much)  with my post-it notes and my phone and a pen. And I got to calling. I called to find out what the process was for switching my driver's license and tag. I called to get an insurance application sent to me. I called and set up the appointment for my kids to be seen by their new dr I chose, called their old dr to get their immunization records faxed over to the new place. But most importantly, I called to set up my appointment with the LDS counselor here. So ... the lesser important things first...

I got denied by insurance of every kind because of my weight. Awesome. I guess just being fat makes you a health hazard. (rolling my eyes) .. nevermind the fact that all the BIG health problems that they look for, I don't have... I'm just too fat. lol And for that, the I-hate-medicine-award goes to ........ ZOLOFT!!! Moving right along, I sent in one last application... if this fails, then I guess I'm just going to go without insurance. (biting nails... if someone reads this, could you maybe send up a prayer or two on my behalf? thanks!)

For the kids, I got lots of recommendations for a pediatrician's office that just happens to be less than 3/10's of a mile away frome me. How convenient is THAT!? lol I LOVE this new place. The people at the front desk are nice, the nurses are incredible, the residents take time with you and the dr LISTENS! The kids were checked out from head to toe and everything in between in regards to their development, the way they eat, how well they follow instructions, etc. I couldn't believe it. Never has the pediatricians we used to go to done anything they did at the new place. They listened to my concerns with the kids!!! So, both of my kiddos will be starting speech therapy very soon, and my social butterfly will have an appointment with a neurologist soon as well, just to get her re-evaluated with a second opinion on her issues that I've been concerned with. (Concern seems to be a popular word for me these days, no? lol) Anyways... they were fabulous, and I'm very very very impressed and hopeful for the way things will be with them.

Now... on to me. :) This part may be a little long, cause some of it is pretty deep. Just fair warning. I wasn't sure what to expect, cause the other counselors I've been to, it was hard explaining what I felt and what I think it stemmed from because they didn't understand the teachings of the church. That sounds weird, I'm aware... but there's a reason for it. I gave him my history. About my family, where I grew up, how much education I have, when I got married... a run down of how I got to where I am now. With my other counselors, I had to leave out a lot of details... because since we weren't of the same religion, they couldn't understand why I may have certain feelings about things. I told him about my marriage. About how it ended. The things that were said. He started asking me questions about why I felt the way I did. Why did I feel so guilty? Why did it matter if I had indeed done something "wrong" along the way? If I had have changed this or that, would the end result be the same? The answer I came to find out was this - Somewhere along the way, I have convinced myself that the atonement, love, happiness, anything GOOD - doesn't apply to me, because I'm not good enough. Maybe that has to do with what I was told when I was married by certain individuals... (ahem) ... maybe it has to do with the way I've taken things in... I don't really know. But I have developed this deep-rooted need to be rescued and defended. The way the counselor put it is "you're in this place where you need to surround yourself with people who love you, people who defend you, people who think you're great, you're cute, you're funny, you're all these good things ... because you think if THEY can love you and accept you and defend you, then YOU can love you and accept you and think you're a good person.". Over the course of the last few months, I have felt this horrible shame, guilt, worried that what I did, what I tried to do to save my marriage - wasn't enough. That somehow I would get to judgement day and be told that I didn't try hard enough. And he brought to my attention, why would I think that? That an all-knowing, loving God, would somehow punish me for not doing ENOUGH? That He somehow made ME flawed? No one else... just me. We're taught that our Heavenly Father loves ALL men, regardless of their past, or the things they do... we're all His children, and somehow, I feel like I don't count in that. That was quite a wake up call. It almost made me feel like I can talk the talk, but not walk the walk. He said that I have set this level of perfection for myself that NO ONE can achieve, but I haven't been able to let it go and realize that it's not possible... that all God asks is for me to do what I can. That's it! So I told him, "yeah, but then I get worried because I don't think I AM doing what I can. All that I can.", because that's what I've been told... that I'm not doing enough. That if I would just do this or that, THEN I would be TRYING, but even then it's not enough. My guess is that over the course of seeing this counselor, that he will be working with me to try to erase the notion that I'm not doing enough and I'm not good enough. How awesome that would be, to not have to carry that weight around!!

In addition to that - I told ya it was deep... lol - I have finally come to realize that I AM FREE! I don't have to be attached to him anymore! I don't have to carry around the hurt and the pain of what he and his mother and sister in laws have said to me. Because THEY don't matter!! I don't have to attach myself to them anymore... I can't even begin to tell you how deliriously happy that makes me. lol I can talk to whoever I want, I can feel whatever I want, I can CLEAN whenever I want... lol I can do whatever the crap I want!!! They will both have to deal with their actions and words, because when it comes down to it, they really didn't know me very well, nor did they try to, and they had no right to treat me in that way. Plain and simple. Every once in a while I'll feel a tinge of sadness and pain over what was said, and now it doesn't take as long to remember that I am NOT what they think I am! They didn't live in my house. They didn't live in my head. They didn't know as much as they thought they did... and for that, for their judgement... well, I don't know. But they will, one day. And that's all that matters to me now.

So now ... I can focus on ME. I can focus on doing what makes me happy, I can focus on my work and I can look forward to the day when I get the chance to be happy with another husband, whenever that day may come. And I am completely okay with waiting. Because I'm finally falling in love with myself again. And I can't ask for anything more than that.

The single mom.