Where am I and how the crap did I get here?

It's September... and I see that the last time I posted was in July. Wow. Just... wow. Um, so where have I been, you ask? Trying to survive, I answer.

July and August were a blur. Day in, day out, bills to be paid, appointments to go to, custody switch off days to show up for... you know, same old song and dance. Honestly, aside from a couple things here and there, I can't think of anything that stands out. The ones that do stand out, I don't feel like mentioning. lol So let me just jump ahead to the here and now, hmm?

The euphoria of being free is long gone. I don't think about much of it except when I react a certain way to things and realize it's the result of all those years. I'm trying to make progress and reverse them - and honestly I'd rather not even get into the details of everything cause it's just depressing and frustrating. Some days I feel ok... others.. well. Basically, I'm surviving.

I started babysitting for my sister back in August, I guess it was? That's been a blessing because it helps close the gap in what I need to pay my bills. But even with that, it's still pretty dang hard to have enough to pay them all. When I sit down at night to go over my finances I just want to cry. I think in my mind I've stopped asking "how long am I going to have to go through this?", but on a subconscious level I'm still mumbling something along those same lines. There's only so many months that go by where you see the number of what goes into your account(s) but those numbers aren't there when you need them to go OUT to pay the bills. That's where the cursing of gas costs, unexpected expenses and various other needs come in. Long gone are the days where I can stroll into a Vera Bradley store (or online for that matter) and think "hmm, I have an extra 90 bucks laying around, I think it's time for a new purse!" ... no, now my days are filled with "well, I have about 40 dollars that's not being used right now.. but crap, my nail license expired, that's 75 dollars, I need to put gas in the van and that'll take 40 and we need diapers and paper towels"... stupid crap I never had to think about before ... laundry detergent, dish soap, paper towels, paper plates, shampoo, deodorant, toilet paper - they're all a source of stress for me now. It's such a stark opposite of the life I had. Now, I wouldn't go so far as to say I could have been on the new series Housewives of Johnson City by any means, but it was definitely not this bare bones. I have a hard time seeing the silver lining, the light at the end of the tunnel. I will say that now more than ever I have a testimony of the wisdom behind advising members of the church to have an emergency storage. Do you know how many times I nearly cried tears of happiness to find that extra bottle of saline solution or deodorant or box of qtips? It's a very humbling challenge to experience what it's like from having what you feel like is never enough to REALLY never having enough. And trying to survive while holding on to a good credit rating is an even bigger challenge. (Think I have a future in raising money on a telethon??? LOL) The more time goes by, the more I feel like I have no other option than to try to find an ADDITIONAL job. That would put me up to 3? 4? I lost count. I don't know.

Now, before you ask me if I want some whine with that cheese, or make a nasty assumption that if I find my life so miserable now then why did I even get divorced, let me tell you this; I DON'T TAKE IT BACK. Even with the stress and frustration and uncertainty ... I have survived on my own (and when I say on my own, I mean with assistance from various sources) for 6 months now, and I never thought I'd make it that long. I can keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, but that's the best I can do right now.

In other news - the kids are both in (or starting) speech and occupational therapy for their sensory issues. And I'm sure there are a few (or a lot) of you who are hoping I'll dish on some details of my new significant other... lol but until I have something solid and official to announce, I'm staying relatively mysterious about it. lol I don't like being judged. :p lol

I'm seriously thinking about writing a book. I've looked into publishing information and I'm still trying to decide what market it would be for. I have different topics floating around in my head, but the research and outcome (meaning the general hope of the book) seems daunting to me. I don't know.

Overall I'm happy. I'm better than I've ever been... it's just the stress of this part of my life that gets me down way too often. Eventually I'll pull through it..... so until then I'm just keepin' on, keepin' on.

The single mom.