The people on the bus go bump, bump, bump.

I'm talkin about pot holes in the road people. In a metaphorical sense, how about the pot holes of life? The past few weeks have been a road full of them for me.

Leaving money (mostly) aside, the woes of not having any help because I'm a single mom (yada, yada, yada) and all the other crap I complain about on this blog or in daily life... there's one topic I haven't touched yet. Mostly because up until now it hasn't really been an issue, and I've been fortunate. But for the last month or two and especially the last two weeks... it's been an issue. A BIG issue.

Back up for a minute.

Most of you know a lot of my story. You know how I got to where I am and how everything came down. He left (with much encouragement from his family .................................................... ). When it came time to decide on divorce specifiations and the parenting plan, I think I was still kind of out of my head and not thinking clearly. He decided every other weekend would be best for him. That we would each pay for our own gas. He would have certain holidays. I would have certain holidays. It seemed (at the time) to be a good solution. Fast forward to TUH-DAY. A few weeks ago, Natalie started doing this crying fit when it was time for me to pick the kids up from their weekend with their dad. Crying into a nearly screaming, exploding, crazy child - that she didn't want to come home with me, she wanted to live in TN with her daddy. The first time or two I just shrugged it off, she seemed to be over it within 5 minutes of driving. Week by week, day by day, this fit throwing has turned into full on possession. Screaming like I've never heard a child scream. Doors getting slammed. Toys being thrown. Kicking, hitting, crying, gagging. It's not pretty, and honestly, most of the time I have NO idea how to handle it. Sometimes I'm so upset that I can't even comfort her because it's like a slap in the face to me.

So I did what any pissed off mom would do and I confronted her dad. (On instant messaging of course...) I wanted to know what she has said, how often she says it and what THEIR (him and his mom) response is when she does it. (Because I KNOW this happens every time it's time for them to leave to come home.) He claimed that he tells her she has to go home and says he tries to find out why she feels that way. I pretended like that was an acceptable answer (not really believing he tells her she has to go home.. remember, I was married to him. He's 2 sheets to the wind when it comes to being stern with the kids) and tried to make sure he understood that he has NO idea what I deal with on a day to day basis. The stress of not having enough money. The speech therapy, the sensory issues. That's just the beginning of it. He's not here for the behavior issues, the feeding issues, the responsibility of being with them 24/7. He doesn't get it. He hasn't had to do it in almost a YEAR people. (November will make a year) His solution to this is that the kids need to be able to talk to him more often during the week. I agreed, hesitantly, but only because I didn't want him trying to come back later and say that I kept him from being able to talk to his kids. It's an attempt to make things better for them ... I understand that. .. but here's the problem.

Since they've been talking to him more often, the fits and screaming tantrums are increasing. Every DAY. EVERY. DAY., she has an episode. I kid you not. Occasionally, there will be a day when I'm able to distract them the entire day so they aren't thinking about him... but do you know how exhausting it is already for me to keep up with what that requires? I know that sounds like I'm not interested in helping my child feel loved and cared about. I promise that's not it. I'm the child of divorced parents. But I had the fortune of 1) being incredibly young when it happened and 2) not having a biological father that gave a crap about me.. which meant I didn't meet him for the first time until I was an adult and had already given birth to my own child. Which happens to the be one dealing with the separation anxiety from her own dad. So I find myself in a very very tough situation. Part of me wants to do things the way I grew up with them. (No visits, very little communication, etc) ... which would NOT be possible for this situation. It's unrealistic, I know... but I survived with very few traumatic experiences involving my biological father. I wish you could see her face and hear her when she's screaming at me. It feels like even at nearly 5 years old, she blames me for her not being able to live with her daddy and see him all the time.

Moving on to today.... the kids talked to their dad for about an hour. When it came time for the call to end, the screaming started. I checked her temperature, she had a low grade fever. I talked her into changing her jammies into something that wasn't as heavy as what she had on. We got all of her stuff and I let Jonah do his own thing for a while. I held her. I hugged her. I promised that I loved her. The crying didn't stop, but the screaming did. I took her to her room and after she had stopped crying long enough that I could talk to her, I tried explaining to her the situation, as best as I figured a 4 year old could understand it. I told her that mommy and daddy aren't married anymore and that we can't live together now. I told her that there were people that made some rules for us, and that they decided Natalie and Jonah needed to live with mommy and that they would get to see daddy on the weekends and sometimes longer. I told her about how I had a daddy that lived far far away from me, and that I never got to see him or talk to him at all. I told her if she did live with her daddy that I would cry every day for her. Daddy still has to work and she wouldn't be with daddy or meemaw (his mom) and that she wouldn't get to see her friends, cause she'd be with babysitters all the time. I said I know sometimes mommy is mean, but it would make me so sad if you moved away. That seemed to make her feel better, and after assuring her that I know she's hurting and she misses her daddy and that I love her lots and lots, she went back to only sniffling here and there. She's sleeping now, but the damage to my heart carries on. Do I try to work out an arrangement with her dad? There's no WAY I could stand "giving her up", especially running the risk that I may not get her back. Spending more time talking to him isn't working. I know half of you are probably screaming at the computer screen "SPEND MORE TIME WITH HER" ... yeah yeah. I hear you. I wish I was a pro at scheduling my day, but I'm not going to lie. I suck at it. I've tried 800 times to create a schedule for us to stick to and after a day and a half it's out the window. If you're one of those moms who plans out one on one time with your kids and you make cookies and cupcakes and coloring and all these happy things.... you're lucky. Some might say my priorities are out of balance. My response to you all is .... I'm standing in the middle of a room full of chaos and I don't know which one is the ceiling and which one is the floor. I've got my hands over my ears and my eyes are closed and I'm begging for someone to help. Don't judge me. Don't pretend like everyone has a perfect life and the answer is simple and that if I do a,b,c and d then everything will be fine. Cause I've done that before. I'm real. My situation is not uncommon. Majority of moms feel like they are failing in one way or lots of ways... And from my perspective, I fall in the lots of ways camp.

If you made it this far, I applaud your attention span. I don't know what the right answer is, I know there are things I can do to make her feel loved. It's so easy to say "here's your solution", but there are so many complications, if it were a black and white situation, I probably would have it figured out already. But not only do I have the black and white, but I've got some purple and red and blue and green and orange and even some brown thrown in there with it, and nobody left me the guide to color by numbers! I'm terrified if I do go get a job, and it's more time away from my kids, that it will make things even worse. It seems like such a critcal time and I either have to survive on pennies or sacrifice the ability to be with my kids.

**Read that part again.**

I'm terrified if I do go get a job, and it's more time away from my kids, that it will make things even worse. It seems like such a critical time and I either have to survive on pennies or sacrifice the ability to be with my kids.

Who are my other single moms (or dads) out there? Have you dealt with this before? Do you know someone who has?

Looks like I'll be spending some time on my knees... if I don't resurface in a few days, send help. I need help anyway. lol

The single mom.
(krissy)