We all bleed red

Anyone who is a country fan may recognize the title ... That Ronnie Dunn, I do love him and his music.

This past weekend has been somewhat torturous for me. I don't recall crying THAT much in the past year in such a close span of time as I have in the last few days. It's been a tough pill to swallow, and I don't think it's over yet.

I try to feel like I'm making progress in healing and letting go of my anger and emotional damage, and then something happens and this time I took a step back long enough to see that I wasn't really making any progress with the way I was doing it. People kept telling me to disengage, just don't talk to him, just let it go and do what you need to do. Which is great advice, and fine - but it didn't work so well for me. So in an effort to fine tune that to a way that WOULD work for me, I only talked to him when I was angry or upset, or asked him a question, which then turned into an argument because I was angry about his response. All those other responses and negative feelings just kept building up and I literally exploded in a way I have never exploded before. There was nothing to be proud of or feel relieved of after it was over. And I didn't feel any better at all. After getting a blessing yesterday, I was able to step back just long enough to see that my approach was not only NOT working very well for me, but it was also giving me a VERY negative reputation. Many apologies were issued, which are sincerely meant - and I think things are smoothing over - or at least starting to. I have no idea how things will end up, but at least I'm making a much more conscious and sincere effort to be patient and understanding, and work my way to forgiveness.

As a result of my words and behavior, it has initiated multiple conversations with my ex over the last few days in attempt to make things better. Forcing myself to calm down and actually LISTEN to him for once has given him the chance to tell me things that he's had to work on with himself over the last year. Maybe he has changed, maybe he is a better person. I can't fault him for trying. I think he's probably handled himself better than I have, and that's just embarrassing. I still disagree with certain things about our situation and arrangement, but for now, I don't see anything that's actually HURTING anyone or causing problems, so I should probably just leave it alone for the time being. He's a good dad and he means well. I just have to accept that he wasn't a good husband for me and I got hurt in the process.

I can only assume that the reason it hurts this much is because somewhere inside me, I must have loved him really intensely. How I could be this hurt, feel this much pain and be this emotional over someone I didn't love wouldn't be possible. There are still things that remind me of him, and it makes me sad. I have been told about as bluntly as possible that my children are my greatest blessing, and they are a result of that marriage, and for that I should be eternally grateful. I can't dispute that at all.

I hope one day I don't look back and wish I would have been a better person through all this. Am I still allowed to say I'm within a grieving period? Maybe I'll get it right one day... preferably sooner rather than later.

Till next time ...

The single mom.