We all bleed red

Anyone who is a country fan may recognize the title ... That Ronnie Dunn, I do love him and his music.

This past weekend has been somewhat torturous for me. I don't recall crying THAT much in the past year in such a close span of time as I have in the last few days. It's been a tough pill to swallow, and I don't think it's over yet.

I try to feel like I'm making progress in healing and letting go of my anger and emotional damage, and then something happens and this time I took a step back long enough to see that I wasn't really making any progress with the way I was doing it. People kept telling me to disengage, just don't talk to him, just let it go and do what you need to do. Which is great advice, and fine - but it didn't work so well for me. So in an effort to fine tune that to a way that WOULD work for me, I only talked to him when I was angry or upset, or asked him a question, which then turned into an argument because I was angry about his response. All those other responses and negative feelings just kept building up and I literally exploded in a way I have never exploded before. There was nothing to be proud of or feel relieved of after it was over. And I didn't feel any better at all. After getting a blessing yesterday, I was able to step back just long enough to see that my approach was not only NOT working very well for me, but it was also giving me a VERY negative reputation. Many apologies were issued, which are sincerely meant - and I think things are smoothing over - or at least starting to. I have no idea how things will end up, but at least I'm making a much more conscious and sincere effort to be patient and understanding, and work my way to forgiveness.

As a result of my words and behavior, it has initiated multiple conversations with my ex over the last few days in attempt to make things better. Forcing myself to calm down and actually LISTEN to him for once has given him the chance to tell me things that he's had to work on with himself over the last year. Maybe he has changed, maybe he is a better person. I can't fault him for trying. I think he's probably handled himself better than I have, and that's just embarrassing. I still disagree with certain things about our situation and arrangement, but for now, I don't see anything that's actually HURTING anyone or causing problems, so I should probably just leave it alone for the time being. He's a good dad and he means well. I just have to accept that he wasn't a good husband for me and I got hurt in the process.

I can only assume that the reason it hurts this much is because somewhere inside me, I must have loved him really intensely. How I could be this hurt, feel this much pain and be this emotional over someone I didn't love wouldn't be possible. There are still things that remind me of him, and it makes me sad. I have been told about as bluntly as possible that my children are my greatest blessing, and they are a result of that marriage, and for that I should be eternally grateful. I can't dispute that at all.

I hope one day I don't look back and wish I would have been a better person through all this. Am I still allowed to say I'm within a grieving period? Maybe I'll get it right one day... preferably sooner rather than later.

Till next time ...

The single mom.

Look who's alive?

Me. I'm talking about me. Hi. Hello there. It's nice to see you again. I know... it's been a while. I have good reasons for that.

So ... this would be no mystery to anyone reading this blog - life is full of ups and downs, and it's cliche for a reason. Cause it's true. You know it, I know it, we all know it. That's pretty much been my life the last few months.

I'd get a slight edge on the hot, boiling, firey lava chasing at my heels, and then the next thing I know, I'm a fossil, buried deep in the volcanic ash with imprints of hair standing on end, eyes bulging out of my head and my mouth open, mid scream. (I'll give you a minute to process that mental image. You with me now? Okay, good.) Don't ask me how people picking their way through this massive rock of volcanic ash remains manages to bring me back to life, only to throw me back in the path of another volcano ... cause I don't have the answer for ya. I'm still scratching my head. (If any of you have read The Hunger Games.... I relate entirely too well to Katniss Everdeen. I'm just sayin.)

Quick run down of what's happened:

• The ex has himself a girlfriend. From Canada. With 3 kids. And she came to visit. .... *sigh* ... and I like her. And he plans to marry her. and... and... and... ugh. whatever.
• The ex refuses to give me extra money above child support. I have had to get really creative on how I get clothes for my kids. It's a very ... humbling reality check (as if I don't have enough of those) to rely on other people's kindness for help. I don't have much, but daggum, I can cook for you. If you're hungry and want some of my food, then by all means, come hungry. I'll feed ya.
• I confirmed the suspicions that the ex inlaws indeed hate me. That was an uncomfortable conversation, yet oddly freeing at the same time. I have no idea what to do with that information. Throw it to the side? Move on? Common sense says move on, and that's what I intend to do, but at the moment, the rage I feel in my heart over the fact that all these people took it upon themselves to judge me and belittle me over ... what? I don't even know. That's another post for another day. If I talk about it now, I won't stop. And you aren't here for that.
• The kids are still in speech and OT. Jonah is convinced the nose is only for picking boogers. lol They improve slowly, but we're getting there. Still working on getting the other evaluations in place to get some other diagnoses and help for them (and me. lol) ...
• Natalie starts school in August. I need to register myself for school. So we'll both be in school. And if I can get Jonah evaluated and approved for a preschool program, then we'll all be in some kind of school. Now if I could just get my act together and get these applications in, appointments scheduled, paperwork filled out... The hooplah of it all is enough to stress you out before even doing anything!

That's pretty much all I can think of for now. Anything else and it'll venture into boring territory. So with that, I'm going to bed. lol ....

Till next time ... whenever that is.
The single mama ;)

It's about time ...

It's about time to add some fellow bloggers to this place, huh? I'll be honest in saying that I haven't really been able to blog-stalk as much as I used to, but I've been meaning to add my friends on here anyway.

So first up - the blog from the missionaries in Santa Rosa California! :) Well, not really the actual missionaries ... the mission president's wife keeps up with it so all the families and friends can see pictures of thier missionaries and read updates on the work they're doing there. She posted not long ago with pictures of my brother and the 13 other missionaries that arrived together. That's pretty dang cool if you ask me. :)

SO .... with that said, what's your blog? What blogs do you like to read? Send them my way and I'll add them to my blog list right over there. Peace!

The single mom.

This, that, and the other thing.

More than a month has gone by since my last plea I posted. lol What the heck, man? Let's see if I can recall anything of importance that happened over the last couple months.

Did I mention that in October I thought the kids needed some extra time with their dad? They now go see him every other week (that part's the same) Wednesday night thru Sunday night. (That part changed.) I can tell they love to see him and it makes picking them up a WHOLE lot easier ... they had more time, so there's not as much crying about wanting to stay with daddy, etc. The hard part is the first 2 or 3 days once they get back home. I'm not sure what happens there, but I think anyone who has to do a custody schedule/swap will agree that somehow, there's something that throws their whole universe out of sync.

My youngest brother left for his mission on November 29th... enough time has already passed that he's passed through the MTC and whisked away to California! You never realize what a well oiled machine the church is when it comes to sending missionaries away until you've got a missionary in your family serving one. Daggum. We've been able to talk to him a couple times (pretty cool that he went to California and was able to call then and just 4 days later call for Christmas... lol) - he's in a very small town in Northern California, near the coast... My guess is that it must be something similar to a retirement community. He said the members there feed them almost every day - and for Christmas Eve and Christmas day, he had PRIME RIB AND FRESH CRAB LEGS! LOL What the fetch!? He sounds so grown up ... I wonder how long it took him to kick the sarcasm out of his tone? hahaha  .... I miss him, but I'm so happy he's on a mission. I really think he needed that. Quite honestly, I'm looking forward to using his time away as a sort of ground zero for my own life. HA!

Speaking of my life ... No, I'm not going to delve into details of October and November. Most of y'all know enough about that without me even having to say about that. But I will say this .... I'm still tossing a few coins in the air about what I want to go to school for... but considering pretty much EVERY degree requires math and english and some other crap as pre-reqs, that's where I'm starting. I finally gain NC residency back in March and I guess I'll get rolling into the summer semester for that. I've narrowed it down to a few options ...

Durham Tech has an Opticianry Program, and they allow students from all over the state to do Distance Learning. You do everything online and go to Durham once a month for a couple labs. Once you submit that you're either enrolled in a math and english course or have already taken and passed an english and math course, you're accepted. They start their programs in January and August. It takes 2 years,  you get an associates degree and then you take State Boards to get your Optician License.

Rad Tech - I've seen at least two programs in Charlotte. The school that my sister went to for nursing has a program for Rad Techs. I haven't done nearly as much research on that one... I know this would take me about 3 years or so to finish.. and I think the reason I didn't do as much checking in to this is because at the time I refused to think about 3 years in school. Now I'm open to it .. don't prefer it, but it's whatever. lol I think the salary would probably be higher for this field.

I also thought about a Paramedic program, but haven't even checked to see if that's a course available anywhere around here. Whatever I end up doing, I know it's going to take some time, I might as well accept it. I want to have something I can later say "I did that! I went to school and I found a way of life for me and my kids. I did that!"

I'm not in any hurry to date or get married again. At this age, there's really not a whole lot available for me. lol They're either too young or older... and ... just no. I have a lot of hesitations and quirks and I just want to deal with what I have right now.

Coming soon ... Christmas pictures, details and a year in review... lol Can you handle it!? haha... >:-)

The single mom.

Help me decide my future...

Yeah. I'm totally serious.

See, it goes a little something like this ....

I need to get a degree in something. A 4 year degree. I hate the idea of going to school. Loathe it. But that's only because I can't really decide on something I want to do. BUT, it's starting to beat me over the head that the kind of lifestyle I want for me and my kids isn't going to happen without that piece of paper that says I spent massive amounts of money to work in a field just to prove to a future employer that I'm capable of learning.

I like being a mom. I don't think my family is complete... but I also don't think that the time for me to expand it is right now. Which means I've got to do something more than sit around on my butt waiting for something, ANYTHING, to fall in my lap. (I hate saying those words out loud... )

So here's my requirements...... It has to be something I can do from here... nothing online (unless it just happens to be an online course for the school here in the QC).... It has to be done in 4 years - no specialty schools in different parts of the state, no graduate and then 2-4 (or more!) years of a specific program. The type of work I want to do doesn't necessarily contain to one field, but I like being a boss. I like working with small groups of people. I like people oriented work. Even if the work is the same thing every day, I like for it to be different somehow ... different people, different something, I don't know how to explain that better. I want to go into a field that pays well. (Who doesn't?) That being said, teacher is off my list. With the cuts being made in the school systems here and the already low pay, I don't want to add extra stress. (not to mention how hard it is to get a job as a teacher in the first dang place.. imagine that.) I'd prefer not to be a nurse - cause even though that's a job that will always be in high demand, the amount of biology and math and crap you have to put up with is not something I'd enjoy. (Although I'm open to other jobs in the medical field) ........

Got all that? I'm just not all that up to speed with what types of programs there are, what degrees are offered and what you can DO with those degrees. There's a reason I never went to college before now... Because I couldn't make up my dang mind! I change my mind about careers like I change purses. And for those of you who know me, you know that's not an understatement.

So forward this post to your friends... their friends... your family. I don't care. I want as many people to weigh in here as possible. This is my future, people! Make it happen! lol Be convincing! Give me as MUCH information as you possibly can. OH. And I hate accounting. As little math as possible, and I'm good. That's all. I think........... Ready? GO!

The single mom.

Cinderella

Once upon a time, many a moon ago, I was reading my friend Jenn-Lee's blog. She had a playlist on it at that point and the song that came on was Steven Curtis Chapman's song called Cinderella. (In order to get the video to embed in a post, I had to create a separate post for it - it will be the post directly under this one.) I know you'd probably like to jump right to the video and watch it, but just hang tight for a minute.

Tonight was the night the kids went back to their dad's. The past couple weeks have been especially frustrating for me. There are so many things that weigh heavily on me, and one big one is the struggle with my kids. And this time it's not because I'm a single mom. Ever since my kids were toddlers, I knew there was something they struggled with. Jonah was so young at the time, I wasn't really aware of much with him, but even for Natalie, by the age of 3, I knew something was going on. And I went to her pediatricians and I asked about it. They told me she'd grow out of it. I persisted after seeing that preschool wasn't doing much by way of progress. We were referred to a behavioral pediatrician that wasn't much help either. Fast forward to here and now. Yesterday, Natalie had her speech evaluation. She's nearly 5. I have noticed some improvements, but her fits are becoming more frequent. She's moody. She doesn't listen well (AT ALL). She cries and screams hysterically, sometimes over nothing at all. She'll be adding speech therapy to the array of appointments every week, and by next month, both kids will also be in occupational therapy. They both have sensory issues in addition to their speech delays - and Jonah is actually the more severe case. The events of the last few weeks have played over and over in my mind. What else could I be doing? How long will we go through this?

I like to plug my iphone into a transmitting thingy so that my music will play on the speakers of my car. Tonight after I was alone and driving back home, I had it on shuffle like I normally do, and the Cinderella song came on. I know I typically blame my emotional outbursts on stress and lack of sleep, but I'm gonna mix it up a little bit and throw hormones in there too this time. Anyways... the song came on and by the second line I was crying. My whole face was wet, and I'm saying the words out loud and I'm a hysterical mess. I'll post the lyrics in a minute, but the first verse says 'she spins and she sways, to whatever song plays, without a care in the world. And I'm sitting here wearing the weight of the world on my shoulders. It's been a long day and there's still work to do, she's pulling on me saying "dad I need you"...' THAT my friends, is when I lost it.

Natalie's new favorite thing to do is dance for her daddy. She loves to pretend like she's a ballerina and when she does the video call with her dad, all she wants is for him to watch her dance. As I was listening to the words and barely saying them out loud, 2 things became clear to me. 1st - I have a daughter who worships the ground her dad walks on. Regardless of what he's done to me. She doesn't know what happened, all she knows is that her daddy is the most important person in the world to her. 2nd - how easily I could replace the word "daddy/dad" in the song with "mommy/mom" and it still have the same impact. The message is the same, regardless of which parent it is directed at. How many times has my sweet baby wanted me to dance with her (in a metaphorical sense), and I was too busy being upset or stressed or frustrated. I can't imagine how difficult life is for her little mind to wrap itself around. I've lived it, in a slightly different way, but I was so young when it happened to me, all I've ever known is the dad that raised me and my sister. (and siblings. lol) But I don't think I had the same set backs as Natalie does. Her speech, her sensory disorder, her daddy not being with her every day. She's endured so much at such a young age and I need to stop and take time to dance with my baby girl. She won't be little for long, and eventually she'll come to the years where she probably will hate me. I need her to feel like my Cinderella, long after this part of my life has passed.

Steven Curtis Chapman - Cinderella

She spins and she sways
To whatever song plays
Without a care in the world
And I'm sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders

It's been a long day
And there's still work to do
She's pulling at me
Saying "dad I need you

There's a ball at the castle
And I've been invited
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh please, daddy please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of her dress
She says "dad the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh please, daddy please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

She came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowing and telling us all they had planned
She says "dad the wedding's still 6 months away
But I need to practice my dancing
Oh please, daddy please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

I can't even type the words without sobbing like a baby. To my dancing Cinderella, Natalie.... I love you.

The single mom

(PS... go watch the video so you can hear the song if you've never heard it before. But maybe grab some kleenex... if you don't need them, I do. lol)

Steven Curtis Chapman - Cinderella (Music Video)