You can go with this ... or you can go with that.

In my mind... right now... all I want to do is just lay out some verbal vomit. Not vulgar verbal vomit. Just ... verbal vomit. The kind where it just keeps coming and coming and coming. I've yet to decide if I'm gonna take some zofram for that issue or let it run it's course. Let's see where it takes us.

So I'm coming up on a year and a half of not posting here. Wow. That's pretty lame. But whatev. I've been KINDA busy. (please note the dripping sarcasm)

1. Both of my kids are in school now. What the freak just happened? I have a 7 year old! How the freak did THAT happen? And when did I become old enough to have a child approaching baptism age? I haven't had time to stop and think about that, but now I think I need to sit down. Except... I am sitting down. Ugh.

2. Jonah finally has a diagnosis for all the struggling we've been through, but I think pretty much everyone has seen that from FB. He's high functioning, but still. Autism is Autism, and you never know when a bad day is gonna strike. It's pretty emotionally draining.

3. *I* am finally in school! AGAIN! I really like it this time around. I actually just had a thought tonight that it'll be surreal to sit through my own college graduation. :)

4. I'm overwhelmed and tired  ... nay, exhausted, and I'm struggling to balance everything in life the way I want to. I just need a few more of me and a whole slew of more hours in the day.

Til next time .......
the mama.

We all bleed red

Anyone who is a country fan may recognize the title ... That Ronnie Dunn, I do love him and his music.

This past weekend has been somewhat torturous for me. I don't recall crying THAT much in the past year in such a close span of time as I have in the last few days. It's been a tough pill to swallow, and I don't think it's over yet.

I try to feel like I'm making progress in healing and letting go of my anger and emotional damage, and then something happens and this time I took a step back long enough to see that I wasn't really making any progress with the way I was doing it. People kept telling me to disengage, just don't talk to him, just let it go and do what you need to do. Which is great advice, and fine - but it didn't work so well for me. So in an effort to fine tune that to a way that WOULD work for me, I only talked to him when I was angry or upset, or asked him a question, which then turned into an argument because I was angry about his response. All those other responses and negative feelings just kept building up and I literally exploded in a way I have never exploded before. There was nothing to be proud of or feel relieved of after it was over. And I didn't feel any better at all. After getting a blessing yesterday, I was able to step back just long enough to see that my approach was not only NOT working very well for me, but it was also giving me a VERY negative reputation. Many apologies were issued, which are sincerely meant - and I think things are smoothing over - or at least starting to. I have no idea how things will end up, but at least I'm making a much more conscious and sincere effort to be patient and understanding, and work my way to forgiveness.

As a result of my words and behavior, it has initiated multiple conversations with my ex over the last few days in attempt to make things better. Forcing myself to calm down and actually LISTEN to him for once has given him the chance to tell me things that he's had to work on with himself over the last year. Maybe he has changed, maybe he is a better person. I can't fault him for trying. I think he's probably handled himself better than I have, and that's just embarrassing. I still disagree with certain things about our situation and arrangement, but for now, I don't see anything that's actually HURTING anyone or causing problems, so I should probably just leave it alone for the time being. He's a good dad and he means well. I just have to accept that he wasn't a good husband for me and I got hurt in the process.

I can only assume that the reason it hurts this much is because somewhere inside me, I must have loved him really intensely. How I could be this hurt, feel this much pain and be this emotional over someone I didn't love wouldn't be possible. There are still things that remind me of him, and it makes me sad. I have been told about as bluntly as possible that my children are my greatest blessing, and they are a result of that marriage, and for that I should be eternally grateful. I can't dispute that at all.

I hope one day I don't look back and wish I would have been a better person through all this. Am I still allowed to say I'm within a grieving period? Maybe I'll get it right one day... preferably sooner rather than later.

Till next time ...

The single mom.

Look who's alive?

Me. I'm talking about me. Hi. Hello there. It's nice to see you again. I know... it's been a while. I have good reasons for that.

So ... this would be no mystery to anyone reading this blog - life is full of ups and downs, and it's cliche for a reason. Cause it's true. You know it, I know it, we all know it. That's pretty much been my life the last few months.

I'd get a slight edge on the hot, boiling, firey lava chasing at my heels, and then the next thing I know, I'm a fossil, buried deep in the volcanic ash with imprints of hair standing on end, eyes bulging out of my head and my mouth open, mid scream. (I'll give you a minute to process that mental image. You with me now? Okay, good.) Don't ask me how people picking their way through this massive rock of volcanic ash remains manages to bring me back to life, only to throw me back in the path of another volcano ... cause I don't have the answer for ya. I'm still scratching my head. (If any of you have read The Hunger Games.... I relate entirely too well to Katniss Everdeen. I'm just sayin.)

Quick run down of what's happened:

• The ex has himself a girlfriend. From Canada. With 3 kids. And she came to visit. .... *sigh* ... and I like her. And he plans to marry her. and... and... and... ugh. whatever.
• The ex refuses to give me extra money above child support. I have had to get really creative on how I get clothes for my kids. It's a very ... humbling reality check (as if I don't have enough of those) to rely on other people's kindness for help. I don't have much, but daggum, I can cook for you. If you're hungry and want some of my food, then by all means, come hungry. I'll feed ya.
• I confirmed the suspicions that the ex inlaws indeed hate me. That was an uncomfortable conversation, yet oddly freeing at the same time. I have no idea what to do with that information. Throw it to the side? Move on? Common sense says move on, and that's what I intend to do, but at the moment, the rage I feel in my heart over the fact that all these people took it upon themselves to judge me and belittle me over ... what? I don't even know. That's another post for another day. If I talk about it now, I won't stop. And you aren't here for that.
• The kids are still in speech and OT. Jonah is convinced the nose is only for picking boogers. lol They improve slowly, but we're getting there. Still working on getting the other evaluations in place to get some other diagnoses and help for them (and me. lol) ...
• Natalie starts school in August. I need to register myself for school. So we'll both be in school. And if I can get Jonah evaluated and approved for a preschool program, then we'll all be in some kind of school. Now if I could just get my act together and get these applications in, appointments scheduled, paperwork filled out... The hooplah of it all is enough to stress you out before even doing anything!

That's pretty much all I can think of for now. Anything else and it'll venture into boring territory. So with that, I'm going to bed. lol ....

Till next time ... whenever that is.
The single mama ;)

It's about time ...

It's about time to add some fellow bloggers to this place, huh? I'll be honest in saying that I haven't really been able to blog-stalk as much as I used to, but I've been meaning to add my friends on here anyway.

So first up - the blog from the missionaries in Santa Rosa California! :) Well, not really the actual missionaries ... the mission president's wife keeps up with it so all the families and friends can see pictures of thier missionaries and read updates on the work they're doing there. She posted not long ago with pictures of my brother and the 13 other missionaries that arrived together. That's pretty dang cool if you ask me. :)

SO .... with that said, what's your blog? What blogs do you like to read? Send them my way and I'll add them to my blog list right over there. Peace!

The single mom.

This, that, and the other thing.

More than a month has gone by since my last plea I posted. lol What the heck, man? Let's see if I can recall anything of importance that happened over the last couple months.

Did I mention that in October I thought the kids needed some extra time with their dad? They now go see him every other week (that part's the same) Wednesday night thru Sunday night. (That part changed.) I can tell they love to see him and it makes picking them up a WHOLE lot easier ... they had more time, so there's not as much crying about wanting to stay with daddy, etc. The hard part is the first 2 or 3 days once they get back home. I'm not sure what happens there, but I think anyone who has to do a custody schedule/swap will agree that somehow, there's something that throws their whole universe out of sync.

My youngest brother left for his mission on November 29th... enough time has already passed that he's passed through the MTC and whisked away to California! You never realize what a well oiled machine the church is when it comes to sending missionaries away until you've got a missionary in your family serving one. Daggum. We've been able to talk to him a couple times (pretty cool that he went to California and was able to call then and just 4 days later call for Christmas... lol) - he's in a very small town in Northern California, near the coast... My guess is that it must be something similar to a retirement community. He said the members there feed them almost every day - and for Christmas Eve and Christmas day, he had PRIME RIB AND FRESH CRAB LEGS! LOL What the fetch!? He sounds so grown up ... I wonder how long it took him to kick the sarcasm out of his tone? hahaha  .... I miss him, but I'm so happy he's on a mission. I really think he needed that. Quite honestly, I'm looking forward to using his time away as a sort of ground zero for my own life. HA!

Speaking of my life ... No, I'm not going to delve into details of October and November. Most of y'all know enough about that without me even having to say about that. But I will say this .... I'm still tossing a few coins in the air about what I want to go to school for... but considering pretty much EVERY degree requires math and english and some other crap as pre-reqs, that's where I'm starting. I finally gain NC residency back in March and I guess I'll get rolling into the summer semester for that. I've narrowed it down to a few options ...

Durham Tech has an Opticianry Program, and they allow students from all over the state to do Distance Learning. You do everything online and go to Durham once a month for a couple labs. Once you submit that you're either enrolled in a math and english course or have already taken and passed an english and math course, you're accepted. They start their programs in January and August. It takes 2 years,  you get an associates degree and then you take State Boards to get your Optician License.

Rad Tech - I've seen at least two programs in Charlotte. The school that my sister went to for nursing has a program for Rad Techs. I haven't done nearly as much research on that one... I know this would take me about 3 years or so to finish.. and I think the reason I didn't do as much checking in to this is because at the time I refused to think about 3 years in school. Now I'm open to it .. don't prefer it, but it's whatever. lol I think the salary would probably be higher for this field.

I also thought about a Paramedic program, but haven't even checked to see if that's a course available anywhere around here. Whatever I end up doing, I know it's going to take some time, I might as well accept it. I want to have something I can later say "I did that! I went to school and I found a way of life for me and my kids. I did that!"

I'm not in any hurry to date or get married again. At this age, there's really not a whole lot available for me. lol They're either too young or older... and ... just no. I have a lot of hesitations and quirks and I just want to deal with what I have right now.

Coming soon ... Christmas pictures, details and a year in review... lol Can you handle it!? haha... >:-)

The single mom.

Help me decide my future...

Yeah. I'm totally serious.

See, it goes a little something like this ....

I need to get a degree in something. A 4 year degree. I hate the idea of going to school. Loathe it. But that's only because I can't really decide on something I want to do. BUT, it's starting to beat me over the head that the kind of lifestyle I want for me and my kids isn't going to happen without that piece of paper that says I spent massive amounts of money to work in a field just to prove to a future employer that I'm capable of learning.

I like being a mom. I don't think my family is complete... but I also don't think that the time for me to expand it is right now. Which means I've got to do something more than sit around on my butt waiting for something, ANYTHING, to fall in my lap. (I hate saying those words out loud... )

So here's my requirements...... It has to be something I can do from here... nothing online (unless it just happens to be an online course for the school here in the QC).... It has to be done in 4 years - no specialty schools in different parts of the state, no graduate and then 2-4 (or more!) years of a specific program. The type of work I want to do doesn't necessarily contain to one field, but I like being a boss. I like working with small groups of people. I like people oriented work. Even if the work is the same thing every day, I like for it to be different somehow ... different people, different something, I don't know how to explain that better. I want to go into a field that pays well. (Who doesn't?) That being said, teacher is off my list. With the cuts being made in the school systems here and the already low pay, I don't want to add extra stress. (not to mention how hard it is to get a job as a teacher in the first dang place.. imagine that.) I'd prefer not to be a nurse - cause even though that's a job that will always be in high demand, the amount of biology and math and crap you have to put up with is not something I'd enjoy. (Although I'm open to other jobs in the medical field) ........

Got all that? I'm just not all that up to speed with what types of programs there are, what degrees are offered and what you can DO with those degrees. There's a reason I never went to college before now... Because I couldn't make up my dang mind! I change my mind about careers like I change purses. And for those of you who know me, you know that's not an understatement.

So forward this post to your friends... their friends... your family. I don't care. I want as many people to weigh in here as possible. This is my future, people! Make it happen! lol Be convincing! Give me as MUCH information as you possibly can. OH. And I hate accounting. As little math as possible, and I'm good. That's all. I think........... Ready? GO!

The single mom.

Cinderella

Once upon a time, many a moon ago, I was reading my friend Jenn-Lee's blog. She had a playlist on it at that point and the song that came on was Steven Curtis Chapman's song called Cinderella. (In order to get the video to embed in a post, I had to create a separate post for it - it will be the post directly under this one.) I know you'd probably like to jump right to the video and watch it, but just hang tight for a minute.

Tonight was the night the kids went back to their dad's. The past couple weeks have been especially frustrating for me. There are so many things that weigh heavily on me, and one big one is the struggle with my kids. And this time it's not because I'm a single mom. Ever since my kids were toddlers, I knew there was something they struggled with. Jonah was so young at the time, I wasn't really aware of much with him, but even for Natalie, by the age of 3, I knew something was going on. And I went to her pediatricians and I asked about it. They told me she'd grow out of it. I persisted after seeing that preschool wasn't doing much by way of progress. We were referred to a behavioral pediatrician that wasn't much help either. Fast forward to here and now. Yesterday, Natalie had her speech evaluation. She's nearly 5. I have noticed some improvements, but her fits are becoming more frequent. She's moody. She doesn't listen well (AT ALL). She cries and screams hysterically, sometimes over nothing at all. She'll be adding speech therapy to the array of appointments every week, and by next month, both kids will also be in occupational therapy. They both have sensory issues in addition to their speech delays - and Jonah is actually the more severe case. The events of the last few weeks have played over and over in my mind. What else could I be doing? How long will we go through this?

I like to plug my iphone into a transmitting thingy so that my music will play on the speakers of my car. Tonight after I was alone and driving back home, I had it on shuffle like I normally do, and the Cinderella song came on. I know I typically blame my emotional outbursts on stress and lack of sleep, but I'm gonna mix it up a little bit and throw hormones in there too this time. Anyways... the song came on and by the second line I was crying. My whole face was wet, and I'm saying the words out loud and I'm a hysterical mess. I'll post the lyrics in a minute, but the first verse says 'she spins and she sways, to whatever song plays, without a care in the world. And I'm sitting here wearing the weight of the world on my shoulders. It's been a long day and there's still work to do, she's pulling on me saying "dad I need you"...' THAT my friends, is when I lost it.

Natalie's new favorite thing to do is dance for her daddy. She loves to pretend like she's a ballerina and when she does the video call with her dad, all she wants is for him to watch her dance. As I was listening to the words and barely saying them out loud, 2 things became clear to me. 1st - I have a daughter who worships the ground her dad walks on. Regardless of what he's done to me. She doesn't know what happened, all she knows is that her daddy is the most important person in the world to her. 2nd - how easily I could replace the word "daddy/dad" in the song with "mommy/mom" and it still have the same impact. The message is the same, regardless of which parent it is directed at. How many times has my sweet baby wanted me to dance with her (in a metaphorical sense), and I was too busy being upset or stressed or frustrated. I can't imagine how difficult life is for her little mind to wrap itself around. I've lived it, in a slightly different way, but I was so young when it happened to me, all I've ever known is the dad that raised me and my sister. (and siblings. lol) But I don't think I had the same set backs as Natalie does. Her speech, her sensory disorder, her daddy not being with her every day. She's endured so much at such a young age and I need to stop and take time to dance with my baby girl. She won't be little for long, and eventually she'll come to the years where she probably will hate me. I need her to feel like my Cinderella, long after this part of my life has passed.

Steven Curtis Chapman - Cinderella

She spins and she sways
To whatever song plays
Without a care in the world
And I'm sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders

It's been a long day
And there's still work to do
She's pulling at me
Saying "dad I need you

There's a ball at the castle
And I've been invited
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh please, daddy please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of her dress
She says "dad the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh please, daddy please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

She came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowing and telling us all they had planned
She says "dad the wedding's still 6 months away
But I need to practice my dancing
Oh please, daddy please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

I can't even type the words without sobbing like a baby. To my dancing Cinderella, Natalie.... I love you.

The single mom

(PS... go watch the video so you can hear the song if you've never heard it before. But maybe grab some kleenex... if you don't need them, I do. lol)

Steven Curtis Chapman - Cinderella (Music Video)

My OTHER blog... lol

Yes I know... I've had probably 8 in the last 5 years, but don't hate! I'm just multi-talented! lol This one and my recipe blog are the only two I keep up with for now. My other blog (that I made private) doesn't get any posts added to it.. it's really there now for archive stuff. Maybe one day I'll have money to print it out and make it book, but at the same time... I'm not so sure I'd want some of THAT stuff published. lol That was a different life... But whatev! Moving on!

My recipe blog The Foods I Love is still up and running and when I can remember to add stuff to it, I do. I'm always up for other people sending their recipes to me, too! I'm about to add a category of recipes that can be made in 30 minutes or less (just call me your own Rachel Ray.. lol), and there's a search bar to find specific recipes without having to go through every post to find it. I need to add a blog roll to this blog... I want my followers back! lol My other blog had close to 40, which now doesn't seem like that many, but I felt popular. lol

Oh... in random bits of information, if I end up dressing up for Halloween (which I probably won't cause I have to pick up the kids from their dad), I'm going to dress up like Paula Deen. hahahahaha.

I have more things to post about, but I'm in the middle of 3 loads of laundry and putting dinner in the oven ... bathrooms need to be cleaned and kids haven't had naps today, so I'm up to my elbows in other stuff!

Song of the day: Kelly Clarkson - Sober



More soon!
The single mom

.....

Has anyone out there seen the show on Disney Channel - Special Agent Oso??

I HATE THIS SHOW. The singing head creeps me out. Her voice is like nails on a chalk board to me. The graphics, although surely cutting edge and attempting 3-D creep me out too. Couldn't they design better looking characters? Or something?

The only thing that I can find humorous or not annoying about this show is when he says "It's all part of the plan... more or less" ..... ha. Amen to that.

15 more minutes til this show is over... I need to find something else to do. lol

Annoyed at Oso...
The single mom. :P

Bothered.

Even in the midst of chaos, sometimes things clear up JUST enough that I get a tiny glimpse of peace. It's in those times of quiet and contentment that I get bothered. I may or may not have a point to all this, just fair warning. lol

**FIRST... I want you to watch this and laugh for a minute, so when I say the word 'bothered' ... the voice of Jimmy Fallon pretending to be Robert Pattinson is stuck in your head. lol** 

***also important to note, the people of England/Britain/United Kingdom/etc use the word 'bothered' in the sense of 'I don't care'...... I learned this. But I'm speaking of the American version of bothered, which means something is upsetting you. lol***

Bothered. 1) insignificant complaining. Yeah, yeah.. I'm guilty of it too. Have you READ my blog? lol But I'm talking about the kind of complaining-can't-see-the-forest-for-the-trees kind of complaining. Probably a big deal to the person complaining at the time, but from an outsider's point of view... it doesn't matter. Get over yourself. Just sayin. (Now, don't get all preachy on me and tell me that we're supposed to have compassion for all, even if they're having a bad day and it may not seem like a big deal to us.. etc, etc... I know. But sometimes... enough is enough. Feel me?) - also in this category ... continuous Debbie Downers/Pessimistic Peters. Yeah ... I heard ya. Your life sucks. Moving on.

Bothered. 2) Judgemental people. Does this one even need explaining? Take for example, ALWAYS on the chopping block of being judged - parenting. One of my favorite blog world celebrities, Dan posted recently about a dad he saw in Costco that he wasn't too thrilled with. He talked about how the dad was gritting his teeth and crushed his son's heart because the little boy asked for ice cream.. and the dad time after time threatened his son, etc. Now that post in particular got THOUSANDS of comments from his fans and followers who automatically assumed abuse and that the cops, DSS, employees, the president, and everyone else in the entire store should have been on edge and ready to attack and report him because this dad is more than likely abusing his kid. I'm going to be the lone voice and say I think not. Maybe it's different when it comes to the dads, because the dads don't necessarily spend as much time with the kids as moms do. But let me tell you right now ....... do you know how many times I've been out in public and I'm sweating like a sinner in church, my kids are running all over the dang store, neither one is listening to me, I'm at my wits end and I have HAD.IT.UP.TO.HERE with them? Do you know how many times in those instances I get the fire in my eyes and grit my teeth and fly off the handle because my kids asked something as seemingly insignificant as what we're having for dinner? Do you know how many times I have told my kids if they move one more step, they're going in time out as soon as we get back home? Can you see where I'm going with this? I love my kids more than life itself. I wouldn't have fought so hard to keep them if I didn't love them. Am I stern? You bet I am. I may not be as much fun as the next mom or dad. I may be stressed a lot. But I assure you, I am not abusive to my kids. Do you see how making assumptions about what kind of parent someone is based on 5 seconds to 5 minutes can be detrimental? There's a very fine line to walk between interferring in people's lifes and possibly saving them. The parents who are TRULY abusive can even be the ones who seem sugary sweet to practically everyone they know, not to mention strangers. I've witnessed it enough before to know that there are times of calm, usually called the calm before the storm. It's rarely (if ever) done in public, always at home. Now, I tell you these things because I've been the parent that people thought they needed to glare at or approach and accuse me of being "too hard" on my kids. Very few people really know what it's like to live my life or go through my days or understand the struggles I have to overcome- yet there are thousands (THOUSANDS!!!) of STRANGERS who deem it their public duty to judge me (consider it a collective 'me') if I'm less than overly patient and sugary sweet to my children in their midst. Really, people? Really?

Bothered. 3) Immature drama/people. I have so many examples of this, it's not even funny. But I don't have time to act like a teenager. I've got macaroni to make, dishes to wash, toys to pick up, and children to put in bed. And that's just before 8:15 pm.

Til next time ...

The single mom.
(Krissy)

Laugh it off

I was on facebook earlier tonight and I watched (and then posted) the video from Jimmy Fallon's show with Justin Timberlake where they did a journey through the years of hip hop/rap. Which seriously.... Good stuff. Loved it.

I love me some Jimmy Fallon. Sometimes I remember to go look at his web page to keep up with all the funny segments he does and tonight I found the best of them all. He did it a year ago, so I was beyond late in discovering it but holy crap. .... The real housewives of late night. I demand you watch it. Now. I laughed so hard I CRIED. (which really isn't that hard to do, but it's the next level up from laugh-snorts)

I love having time to laugh... It seems to make things so much better. I'm posting from my phone... In bed... But one of these days I need to make some video posts.

Got something funny I should see? Send it my way! :) Til next time....
The single mom

What would Dan do?

My posts have been ridiculously depressing lately. Such is my life at the moment... and for that, I apologize.

My recently-somewhat-new-found blog superstar, Dan has lots of funny posts. People like funny. Heck, I'm usually funny.... (right?? ...... ignore the crickets.) and I look for funny. Dan talks about his awesome kid Noah and the fun they have. It got me thinking.... when do I have fun with my kids?  What do they do and say that's hilarious? I'm not spending enough time laughing with them... I'm spending more time giving them the "you-better-stop-hitting-spitting-calling your sister/brother/cousin/ME an idiot-slamming doors-screaming-running-jumping-JUST KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY" look. That's no fun. I used to be fun.

My kids say funny things. They do funny things. But half the time I'm too stressed or upset about something to notice. Allow me a few minutes to tell you about my kids.

Natalie - 4 and 3/4 - lover of all things Tinkerbell. Vivid imagination. Wants to be a ballerina. Loves dressing up. Lover of shoes, jewelry, purses and phones. Helpful when she wants to be, stubborn and flighty more often than not. Keen eye for things that are funny. Seeks approval from those around her. Plays well with others (most of the time). Can remember what we did 2 years ago, but still asks about 8 times a day what we did yesterday or what we're doing tomorrow. (lol) Wants to have a purple car when she grows up. Talks about being married and losing teeth. Can name all of her friends at the drop of a hat. (and there's a lot) Knows her alphabet, can count to 20 (and sometimes higher) and loves to watch tv. She's a good eater and will at least try anything you put on her plate... even if she doesn't finish it. Will snatch a capri sun or juice box if it's within reach, with or without permission. Has a tendency to be bossy. Likes to play the mom of Jonah when they play pretend. Creative and artistic. Looks just like me.

Jonah - 3 - lover of all things Toy Story. Bowling pro. Wants to run/eat/jump/fly/etc SUPER, SUPER, SUPER FAST! Will eat hot dogs 24/7 if I allow him. Lover of all things car or train related. Can hear an airplane or train from miles away. Silly. Loves to be tickled and kissed. Prefers to play alone - and will be sure to chase you away by screaming at you if you attempt to play with whatever he's currently working on. He's a little parrot and will repeat anything someone around him says. Has a beautiful smile and eyelashes so long, it's enough to make anyone stop and stare. Sleeps with a collection of toys and books at his feet. Independent. Loves to snuggle and give hugs and kisses. Shy at first, but opens up as soon as he's comfortable with you. Infectious laugh. Will repeat a task as many times as it takes until he deems it's done right (or he gets to do it without help). Looks a little like me, but mostly like his daddy. But he's a mama's boy. (And I promise never to interfere with his marriage. lol)

A little about me...

Krissy - 28 1/2- lover of food, sewing, nail polish and reading. Sells Mary Kay. Has a nail tech license. Incredibly disorganized and always runs late. Repeats hilarious quotes whenever she finds them. Loves to play games and laugh. Obsessed with music and loves to sing or play the piano. Prefers to sleep instead of clean. Stays up late, wakes up early.. (not by choice. lol) Has big dreams and awesome hair. Collector of purses, makeup, pens and random bits of various information. Sister to 4, mom to 2. Afraid of the dark. Loves to laugh and seeing her kids smile. Facebook and driving expert. Fan of Phineas and Ferb and Jonas Brothers. Hates shopping. Likes things that smell good. (lol) Texting extraordinare. People watcher. Loyal and creative. Looks like a lot of people, but mostly her mom.

Till next time ...

The single mom
(krissy)

The people on the bus go bump, bump, bump.

I'm talkin about pot holes in the road people. In a metaphorical sense, how about the pot holes of life? The past few weeks have been a road full of them for me.

Leaving money (mostly) aside, the woes of not having any help because I'm a single mom (yada, yada, yada) and all the other crap I complain about on this blog or in daily life... there's one topic I haven't touched yet. Mostly because up until now it hasn't really been an issue, and I've been fortunate. But for the last month or two and especially the last two weeks... it's been an issue. A BIG issue.

Back up for a minute.

Most of you know a lot of my story. You know how I got to where I am and how everything came down. He left (with much encouragement from his family .................................................... ). When it came time to decide on divorce specifiations and the parenting plan, I think I was still kind of out of my head and not thinking clearly. He decided every other weekend would be best for him. That we would each pay for our own gas. He would have certain holidays. I would have certain holidays. It seemed (at the time) to be a good solution. Fast forward to TUH-DAY. A few weeks ago, Natalie started doing this crying fit when it was time for me to pick the kids up from their weekend with their dad. Crying into a nearly screaming, exploding, crazy child - that she didn't want to come home with me, she wanted to live in TN with her daddy. The first time or two I just shrugged it off, she seemed to be over it within 5 minutes of driving. Week by week, day by day, this fit throwing has turned into full on possession. Screaming like I've never heard a child scream. Doors getting slammed. Toys being thrown. Kicking, hitting, crying, gagging. It's not pretty, and honestly, most of the time I have NO idea how to handle it. Sometimes I'm so upset that I can't even comfort her because it's like a slap in the face to me.

So I did what any pissed off mom would do and I confronted her dad. (On instant messaging of course...) I wanted to know what she has said, how often she says it and what THEIR (him and his mom) response is when she does it. (Because I KNOW this happens every time it's time for them to leave to come home.) He claimed that he tells her she has to go home and says he tries to find out why she feels that way. I pretended like that was an acceptable answer (not really believing he tells her she has to go home.. remember, I was married to him. He's 2 sheets to the wind when it comes to being stern with the kids) and tried to make sure he understood that he has NO idea what I deal with on a day to day basis. The stress of not having enough money. The speech therapy, the sensory issues. That's just the beginning of it. He's not here for the behavior issues, the feeding issues, the responsibility of being with them 24/7. He doesn't get it. He hasn't had to do it in almost a YEAR people. (November will make a year) His solution to this is that the kids need to be able to talk to him more often during the week. I agreed, hesitantly, but only because I didn't want him trying to come back later and say that I kept him from being able to talk to his kids. It's an attempt to make things better for them ... I understand that. .. but here's the problem.

Since they've been talking to him more often, the fits and screaming tantrums are increasing. Every DAY. EVERY. DAY., she has an episode. I kid you not. Occasionally, there will be a day when I'm able to distract them the entire day so they aren't thinking about him... but do you know how exhausting it is already for me to keep up with what that requires? I know that sounds like I'm not interested in helping my child feel loved and cared about. I promise that's not it. I'm the child of divorced parents. But I had the fortune of 1) being incredibly young when it happened and 2) not having a biological father that gave a crap about me.. which meant I didn't meet him for the first time until I was an adult and had already given birth to my own child. Which happens to the be one dealing with the separation anxiety from her own dad. So I find myself in a very very tough situation. Part of me wants to do things the way I grew up with them. (No visits, very little communication, etc) ... which would NOT be possible for this situation. It's unrealistic, I know... but I survived with very few traumatic experiences involving my biological father. I wish you could see her face and hear her when she's screaming at me. It feels like even at nearly 5 years old, she blames me for her not being able to live with her daddy and see him all the time.

Moving on to today.... the kids talked to their dad for about an hour. When it came time for the call to end, the screaming started. I checked her temperature, she had a low grade fever. I talked her into changing her jammies into something that wasn't as heavy as what she had on. We got all of her stuff and I let Jonah do his own thing for a while. I held her. I hugged her. I promised that I loved her. The crying didn't stop, but the screaming did. I took her to her room and after she had stopped crying long enough that I could talk to her, I tried explaining to her the situation, as best as I figured a 4 year old could understand it. I told her that mommy and daddy aren't married anymore and that we can't live together now. I told her that there were people that made some rules for us, and that they decided Natalie and Jonah needed to live with mommy and that they would get to see daddy on the weekends and sometimes longer. I told her about how I had a daddy that lived far far away from me, and that I never got to see him or talk to him at all. I told her if she did live with her daddy that I would cry every day for her. Daddy still has to work and she wouldn't be with daddy or meemaw (his mom) and that she wouldn't get to see her friends, cause she'd be with babysitters all the time. I said I know sometimes mommy is mean, but it would make me so sad if you moved away. That seemed to make her feel better, and after assuring her that I know she's hurting and she misses her daddy and that I love her lots and lots, she went back to only sniffling here and there. She's sleeping now, but the damage to my heart carries on. Do I try to work out an arrangement with her dad? There's no WAY I could stand "giving her up", especially running the risk that I may not get her back. Spending more time talking to him isn't working. I know half of you are probably screaming at the computer screen "SPEND MORE TIME WITH HER" ... yeah yeah. I hear you. I wish I was a pro at scheduling my day, but I'm not going to lie. I suck at it. I've tried 800 times to create a schedule for us to stick to and after a day and a half it's out the window. If you're one of those moms who plans out one on one time with your kids and you make cookies and cupcakes and coloring and all these happy things.... you're lucky. Some might say my priorities are out of balance. My response to you all is .... I'm standing in the middle of a room full of chaos and I don't know which one is the ceiling and which one is the floor. I've got my hands over my ears and my eyes are closed and I'm begging for someone to help. Don't judge me. Don't pretend like everyone has a perfect life and the answer is simple and that if I do a,b,c and d then everything will be fine. Cause I've done that before. I'm real. My situation is not uncommon. Majority of moms feel like they are failing in one way or lots of ways... And from my perspective, I fall in the lots of ways camp.

If you made it this far, I applaud your attention span. I don't know what the right answer is, I know there are things I can do to make her feel loved. It's so easy to say "here's your solution", but there are so many complications, if it were a black and white situation, I probably would have it figured out already. But not only do I have the black and white, but I've got some purple and red and blue and green and orange and even some brown thrown in there with it, and nobody left me the guide to color by numbers! I'm terrified if I do go get a job, and it's more time away from my kids, that it will make things even worse. It seems like such a critcal time and I either have to survive on pennies or sacrifice the ability to be with my kids.

**Read that part again.**

I'm terrified if I do go get a job, and it's more time away from my kids, that it will make things even worse. It seems like such a critical time and I either have to survive on pennies or sacrifice the ability to be with my kids.

Who are my other single moms (or dads) out there? Have you dealt with this before? Do you know someone who has?

Looks like I'll be spending some time on my knees... if I don't resurface in a few days, send help. I need help anyway. lol

The single mom.
(krissy)

Why can't I be like Dan?

Anyone else know about this guy? His blog is called Single Dad Laughing... his name is Dan. I was introduced to it by my friend Stephanie. He is awesome. He's hilarious. He's serious. He's deep. He's the male version of ME!

So... how the heck did he get to be so popular? lol I wanna know. Cause I want MY blog to be rocketed into famousness like his was. When I grow up, I wanna have a blog like Dan's. lol

Serious post coming up next.

The single mom.
(krissy)

It's cute, ain't it?

I know. I'm awesome. Yeah, okay whatever... but I like it. (and in the event that you can't figure out what the heck I'm talking about, I'm talking about the new appearance and banner of the blog.)

I have about 4 million things to say and I can't remember a dang thing. First of all ... my kids are driving me nuts. Natalie has been clingy and Jonah has turned into a hitting crazy child. I have no idea where those two people came from, but they're not MY children. Where can I get mine back???

My love comes to see me in about 2 1/2 weeks. It seems like just yesterday it was 6 weeks away and I haven't gotten ANYTHING done that I needed/wanted to do and I'm running out of time. Yeah that's me... wait til the last minute to get anything done. Then I'm stressed and I panic. And when I panic, I'm kinda psychotic. I'm just sayin.... I could use some help. lol

I still haven't taken my van to get that third opinion done. I NEED to get it fixed, but do you know how hard it is to haul 2 (or 4 for that matter) kids to a mechanic and explain why you're there and what you need? Yes, I understand when I go in public I look like a crazy person. When I have my niece and nephew and we go out, I ALWAYS get looks. Fat lady, no ring, 4 kids. What!? That's beside the point... lol I'm just saying.. I think I'm afraid of mechanics. I don't know why, don't ask. I'd much rather prefer a male take it in and explain what's going on - I always feel like they take advantage of women because they don't know any better. I know enough about what they're talking about, but not what should be normal. Case in point, the dealership informed me a few months ago that my motor mounts were looking rough. The last time I took it in for an oil change they came in and told me that TWO of them were gone and it would be almost 700 dollars for it to get fixed. First of all dealerships LOOK for something that needs to be "fixed" .. that's one of the ways they make their money. So I had my dad take it to where he thinks I should get it fixed... but they were closed that day. GO FIGURE. (Which is why I'm too afraid to take it on a Saturday now because I'm afraid every time I go over there they'll be closed on a Saturday. Which means now I have to go on Monday. Which sucks.) So then he took it to a place he used to go to a long time ago... and they said it was only ONE motor mount that needed to be replaced... but I don't know if I trust them entirely because it seems their method of testing it wasn't entirely reliable. BUT, they were only going to charge about 128 dollars. Yeah. Markup much? So I want a THIRD opinion.

I was planning on doing a review of the MK nail polish from their fall line..... yeah. All I have to say is - THIS nail tech DOES NOT recommend it. AT ALL. I love MK products... I do. I love the make up, I love the TimeWise products... but their nail polish is TERRIBLE. The bottle is small, the brush/cap is top heavy and it fell off and ruined a shirt and then some. Within 24 hours it was already peeling off. If you're going to pay 8 dollars for some nail polish, I'll sell you a bottle of OPI and it's 100 times better. That's all I'm gonna say about that. Now I need to figure out what I'm going to do a product replacement for on it. Dang it.

So, there's a post full of nothing for ya. lol I'll have more to say later, but for some reason I thought I needed to have some verbal spewage going on over here. My head is running a million miles a minute and I can't quite complete valid thought processes. lol Is it October 14th yet? :)

Krissy
The Single Mom....

*did anyone notice this is the first time I've actually used our names? Coming out of obscurity... cause I DON'T CARE if his family tries to search out my blog. lol*

Where am I and how the crap did I get here?

It's September... and I see that the last time I posted was in July. Wow. Just... wow. Um, so where have I been, you ask? Trying to survive, I answer.

July and August were a blur. Day in, day out, bills to be paid, appointments to go to, custody switch off days to show up for... you know, same old song and dance. Honestly, aside from a couple things here and there, I can't think of anything that stands out. The ones that do stand out, I don't feel like mentioning. lol So let me just jump ahead to the here and now, hmm?

The euphoria of being free is long gone. I don't think about much of it except when I react a certain way to things and realize it's the result of all those years. I'm trying to make progress and reverse them - and honestly I'd rather not even get into the details of everything cause it's just depressing and frustrating. Some days I feel ok... others.. well. Basically, I'm surviving.

I started babysitting for my sister back in August, I guess it was? That's been a blessing because it helps close the gap in what I need to pay my bills. But even with that, it's still pretty dang hard to have enough to pay them all. When I sit down at night to go over my finances I just want to cry. I think in my mind I've stopped asking "how long am I going to have to go through this?", but on a subconscious level I'm still mumbling something along those same lines. There's only so many months that go by where you see the number of what goes into your account(s) but those numbers aren't there when you need them to go OUT to pay the bills. That's where the cursing of gas costs, unexpected expenses and various other needs come in. Long gone are the days where I can stroll into a Vera Bradley store (or online for that matter) and think "hmm, I have an extra 90 bucks laying around, I think it's time for a new purse!" ... no, now my days are filled with "well, I have about 40 dollars that's not being used right now.. but crap, my nail license expired, that's 75 dollars, I need to put gas in the van and that'll take 40 and we need diapers and paper towels"... stupid crap I never had to think about before ... laundry detergent, dish soap, paper towels, paper plates, shampoo, deodorant, toilet paper - they're all a source of stress for me now. It's such a stark opposite of the life I had. Now, I wouldn't go so far as to say I could have been on the new series Housewives of Johnson City by any means, but it was definitely not this bare bones. I have a hard time seeing the silver lining, the light at the end of the tunnel. I will say that now more than ever I have a testimony of the wisdom behind advising members of the church to have an emergency storage. Do you know how many times I nearly cried tears of happiness to find that extra bottle of saline solution or deodorant or box of qtips? It's a very humbling challenge to experience what it's like from having what you feel like is never enough to REALLY never having enough. And trying to survive while holding on to a good credit rating is an even bigger challenge. (Think I have a future in raising money on a telethon??? LOL) The more time goes by, the more I feel like I have no other option than to try to find an ADDITIONAL job. That would put me up to 3? 4? I lost count. I don't know.

Now, before you ask me if I want some whine with that cheese, or make a nasty assumption that if I find my life so miserable now then why did I even get divorced, let me tell you this; I DON'T TAKE IT BACK. Even with the stress and frustration and uncertainty ... I have survived on my own (and when I say on my own, I mean with assistance from various sources) for 6 months now, and I never thought I'd make it that long. I can keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, but that's the best I can do right now.

In other news - the kids are both in (or starting) speech and occupational therapy for their sensory issues. And I'm sure there are a few (or a lot) of you who are hoping I'll dish on some details of my new significant other... lol but until I have something solid and official to announce, I'm staying relatively mysterious about it. lol I don't like being judged. :p lol

I'm seriously thinking about writing a book. I've looked into publishing information and I'm still trying to decide what market it would be for. I have different topics floating around in my head, but the research and outcome (meaning the general hope of the book) seems daunting to me. I don't know.

Overall I'm happy. I'm better than I've ever been... it's just the stress of this part of my life that gets me down way too often. Eventually I'll pull through it..... so until then I'm just keepin' on, keepin' on.

The single mom.

I'd like change. Please. Well I'd like change too!

Oh my goodness.

I feel like I'm waking up from a very long and VERY bad dream!!! I'm SMILING ... A LOT. I'm singing! I'm laughing! And it's all so overwhelming I feel like I'm going to cry!!! LOL Let me explain, cause I know this seems to be completely out of nowhere.

Last week I finally sat myself down and said "self... you have A LOT of phone calls that need to be made that you haven't made yet. So DO it. NOW." .... so, I did. I sat down at my desk (which I built and set up all by my lonesome, thank-you-very-much)  with my post-it notes and my phone and a pen. And I got to calling. I called to find out what the process was for switching my driver's license and tag. I called to get an insurance application sent to me. I called and set up the appointment for my kids to be seen by their new dr I chose, called their old dr to get their immunization records faxed over to the new place. But most importantly, I called to set up my appointment with the LDS counselor here. So ... the lesser important things first...

I got denied by insurance of every kind because of my weight. Awesome. I guess just being fat makes you a health hazard. (rolling my eyes) .. nevermind the fact that all the BIG health problems that they look for, I don't have... I'm just too fat. lol And for that, the I-hate-medicine-award goes to ........ ZOLOFT!!! Moving right along, I sent in one last application... if this fails, then I guess I'm just going to go without insurance. (biting nails... if someone reads this, could you maybe send up a prayer or two on my behalf? thanks!)

For the kids, I got lots of recommendations for a pediatrician's office that just happens to be less than 3/10's of a mile away frome me. How convenient is THAT!? lol I LOVE this new place. The people at the front desk are nice, the nurses are incredible, the residents take time with you and the dr LISTENS! The kids were checked out from head to toe and everything in between in regards to their development, the way they eat, how well they follow instructions, etc. I couldn't believe it. Never has the pediatricians we used to go to done anything they did at the new place. They listened to my concerns with the kids!!! So, both of my kiddos will be starting speech therapy very soon, and my social butterfly will have an appointment with a neurologist soon as well, just to get her re-evaluated with a second opinion on her issues that I've been concerned with. (Concern seems to be a popular word for me these days, no? lol) Anyways... they were fabulous, and I'm very very very impressed and hopeful for the way things will be with them.

Now... on to me. :) This part may be a little long, cause some of it is pretty deep. Just fair warning. I wasn't sure what to expect, cause the other counselors I've been to, it was hard explaining what I felt and what I think it stemmed from because they didn't understand the teachings of the church. That sounds weird, I'm aware... but there's a reason for it. I gave him my history. About my family, where I grew up, how much education I have, when I got married... a run down of how I got to where I am now. With my other counselors, I had to leave out a lot of details... because since we weren't of the same religion, they couldn't understand why I may have certain feelings about things. I told him about my marriage. About how it ended. The things that were said. He started asking me questions about why I felt the way I did. Why did I feel so guilty? Why did it matter if I had indeed done something "wrong" along the way? If I had have changed this or that, would the end result be the same? The answer I came to find out was this - Somewhere along the way, I have convinced myself that the atonement, love, happiness, anything GOOD - doesn't apply to me, because I'm not good enough. Maybe that has to do with what I was told when I was married by certain individuals... (ahem) ... maybe it has to do with the way I've taken things in... I don't really know. But I have developed this deep-rooted need to be rescued and defended. The way the counselor put it is "you're in this place where you need to surround yourself with people who love you, people who defend you, people who think you're great, you're cute, you're funny, you're all these good things ... because you think if THEY can love you and accept you and defend you, then YOU can love you and accept you and think you're a good person.". Over the course of the last few months, I have felt this horrible shame, guilt, worried that what I did, what I tried to do to save my marriage - wasn't enough. That somehow I would get to judgement day and be told that I didn't try hard enough. And he brought to my attention, why would I think that? That an all-knowing, loving God, would somehow punish me for not doing ENOUGH? That He somehow made ME flawed? No one else... just me. We're taught that our Heavenly Father loves ALL men, regardless of their past, or the things they do... we're all His children, and somehow, I feel like I don't count in that. That was quite a wake up call. It almost made me feel like I can talk the talk, but not walk the walk. He said that I have set this level of perfection for myself that NO ONE can achieve, but I haven't been able to let it go and realize that it's not possible... that all God asks is for me to do what I can. That's it! So I told him, "yeah, but then I get worried because I don't think I AM doing what I can. All that I can.", because that's what I've been told... that I'm not doing enough. That if I would just do this or that, THEN I would be TRYING, but even then it's not enough. My guess is that over the course of seeing this counselor, that he will be working with me to try to erase the notion that I'm not doing enough and I'm not good enough. How awesome that would be, to not have to carry that weight around!!

In addition to that - I told ya it was deep... lol - I have finally come to realize that I AM FREE! I don't have to be attached to him anymore! I don't have to carry around the hurt and the pain of what he and his mother and sister in laws have said to me. Because THEY don't matter!! I don't have to attach myself to them anymore... I can't even begin to tell you how deliriously happy that makes me. lol I can talk to whoever I want, I can feel whatever I want, I can CLEAN whenever I want... lol I can do whatever the crap I want!!! They will both have to deal with their actions and words, because when it comes down to it, they really didn't know me very well, nor did they try to, and they had no right to treat me in that way. Plain and simple. Every once in a while I'll feel a tinge of sadness and pain over what was said, and now it doesn't take as long to remember that I am NOT what they think I am! They didn't live in my house. They didn't live in my head. They didn't know as much as they thought they did... and for that, for their judgement... well, I don't know. But they will, one day. And that's all that matters to me now.

So now ... I can focus on ME. I can focus on doing what makes me happy, I can focus on my work and I can look forward to the day when I get the chance to be happy with another husband, whenever that day may come. And I am completely okay with waiting. Because I'm finally falling in love with myself again. And I can't ask for anything more than that.

The single mom.

Songs randomly bounce around in my head...

Am I the only person that happens to? I can't be. But it's amusing to me that it's coming back ... see, when I was a teenager, my friends used to laugh about how I could be counted on to blurt out a movie monologue or song. When I was married, I didn't notice it that much. But now I do. I'm constantly humming again. I get songs stuck in my head and I sing them over and over and over. I relate to music. I always have. Maybe pieces of me are starting to come back! That could be good! VERY good!

I finally got around to scheduling my first counseling appointment since the fallout. I've heard really good things about the guy I'll be going to - that he's been a big help to other people. I know just like anything that involves change, you get out what you put in.

I've been feeling pretty run down lately. Can't explain why, either. Just not feeling right. I made a bunch of phone calls that have been waiting for weeks to be taken care of. The kids finally have appointments to see their new pediatrician and maybe these doctors will actually pay attention to my concerns and send me to the right places to get my kids diagnosed! It would be so nice to be finally be able to understand what my boy is saying and help my social butterfly correctly pronounce words. It's been too long!

I'm working on getting insurance for myself. I've applied with a few different options.

There was something in the divorce papers that made mention of the higher income parent paying for work related child care for the other parent. I asked the ex to ask his lawyer about it to clarify if that meant there could be additional money sent to me to have my kids taken care of. I doubt he's done it yet... but I'm not in a huge rush right now. I probably should be... but, I still don't feel a pressing sense of what I should do. I love doing Mary Kay. I LOVE the products. I love everything about it. I just need more people. lol I'm sure I'll get them... it's intimidating, but I think once I can heal a little bit more and feel like myself again, I could really light it up!

I sound pretty boring this time. That could be a good thing! No drama to report! HA! Still waiting for my sense of humor to come back.... I'm laughing again. Not quite as often as I used to... but still.... laughing is laughing is laughing. :)

The single mom.

T.O.D. 0900 6/21/10

Will I remember that date on my calendar when I'm 80 years old? I don't know. I hope not.

My divorce was finalized Monday morning. I wasn't required to be there, but I got a phone call from him at 9:45 telling me "it's all done" ... his voice was too calm. Almost like a spring was put in his step. I want to scream at him for that. I froze. I couldn't speak. What could I say? "Oh good! I forgot all about that!" .... not hardly. He seemed to boast the words "it was really quick. Everything was really straight forward and about as clean cut as you can get. Everything is really fair and equal and well planned out.", as if somehow that would make me feel better. It seems like just yesterday I was at my old house... walking down the hallway, thinking about how 3 weeks was going to crawl by. Maybe I should back up a little.

I had to go back to my old life for a class that was required for the divorce. That was June 5th. We decided mutually that we would use the next week as one of his two weeks during the summer in the parenting plan. Because he didn't/("couldn't") take off any time from work and neither would his mother, I stayed in town for that week in order to make sure my kids were still taken care of. He pushed for over a week to convince me to stay at his house where he lives with his mom. I didn't think it was appropriate. I felt uncomfortable with it, given the history, the way his mother feels about me, all of it. My own mother even told me there was nothing wrong with staying there and that I should. I couldn't swallow that.

The day came for me and the kids to go. I dropped them off at their dad's house and changed clothes to go out with a friend. The plan was that I would stay at my old house for the weekend, and once the usual weekend was over, I would come back to his house and stay there for the week until it was time for me to go home. So, I got myself ready, and as I was leaving, I said to his mother (he was upstairs with my kids getting them ready for bed. It was almost 8:30) "okay, I'll see you guys later!" .... without even looking up, she (not even really) said "mmhmm. okay." ... I wish I could give you a sound byte of how she said it. She pretended to make herself busy. She gave off this tone like she was annoyed that I was even there in her house.

That night on my way back to my old house, driving those same roads, feeling like no time had passed since I was there - I had a panic attack. I thought I was going to have to pull over and vomit. I took a journal with me and wrote in it as much as I could bring myself to do it.

---

Driving down these streets again felt like coming home in a sense, but I
felt sick to my stomach at the same time. His mother was cold to me. It's
always awkward seeing him in person, and this time was no different. There's
no way I can stay at their house for a whole week. I will end up in a crazy
house if I do.

My house is beautiful. As much as I hate to admit it, it
looks gorgeous. I miss this house so much it hurts. I feel like I've had
everything ripped out from underneath me. I'm living in an apartment
that smells like old, stale cigarettes. This house still smells brand new.

I'm only 3 months in and I feel raw. I feel cheated. I go back and forth
from being angry, to sad, to okay and all over again. I don't know what I've
gotten myself into by being here for a week.

I stayed at my old house the whole time. I called him the next day after I got there and told him I just couldn't stay at his house. I think I told him I didn't want the kids getting any mixed signals and I just couldn't bring myself to stay there.

Fast forward 3 weeks, and here I am. I still haven't wrapped my head around the fact that I am LEGALLY single. I am no longer married. I cannot understand how there are women (or men) in the world who find themselves HAPPY about this. Honestly, I thought I would celebrate this day. I thought we'd have a big party and be happy and laugh and talk about how much better things will get from here on out. But now.... now that this day is here, I can't. My heart hurts so much. My pain of what I endured has made way for the pain of what used to be. I feel guilt, I question whether I will really be blameless before the Lord when this life is over. Did I do enough? I feel like I'm split in two. If my daughter had come to me and told me the things I have had to tell people about my situation, I would tell her in a heartbeat that she had indeed done all she could do and it was time to get out, and do it fast. But on the other side of me, I feel like I don't know if I can even believe it. How much bad can really come out of something that's supposed to be good? But I lived it. As sure as I'm breathing, it happened. I wish it was a bad dream. That I could wake up and have a husband I'm madly in love with. Effortlessly in love with. But the reality of my life is that I don't. And I don't know if I really ever did. I'd like to think that one day I will have that. But my light ahead of me is only shining for about 4 feet of my path and I can't see anything beyond it.

Some days I'm not such a downer. But I find that there are few people who can genuinely relate to what I'm feeling and going through. I wish I could be the teenager that everyone had fun around. The girl who was always smiling and laughing. I'm exhausted beyond my means. I'm playing the role of two parents in one. I'm outnumbered by my own children. There are no extra hands or eyes, no extra time. To many, it sounds like I'm complaining. But to those who have been in my shoes, they can relate. I used to be the stay at home mom who complained about mundane crap. Walmart vs Target. Homeschooling vs public schooling. Carts not being returned. I used to be the mom who's only schedule involved which playdates we wanted to go to that week. I used to have a husband who could stay home with my kids so I could have a few hours with my friends. I thought I needed those girls nights out then.... There are so many things I took for granted. I knew this would be hard. But I also knew staying would have been worse.

And now.... I am, in every sense of the phrase,

The single mom.